I really need to get An Infertile Truth (see blog for 8-13) off the main page. Why, you 0 readers ask (so nice of you non-existent readers to take an interest in my personal feelings about the blog. You're the best, imaginary people! (Imaginarily retarded!!!(see blog 8-20)))?
It's very simple: I'm tired of all my Google Ads being about Fertility Problems.
I already spent a whole long essay suggesting we kill the infertile before they cause a sterile population explosion and the future of the human race is put in dire jeopardy (not Jeopardy for Trained Ferrets(see blog 8-21)), why should Google Ads on my page encourage them to not give up hope?!?!? I DON'T WANT THEM BREEDING!!!!!
Maybe I should write a blog about something I want my ads selling? I can't think of anything specifically...but maybe...SPACE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!! (see blog 8-17 (THIS HAS BEEN YOUR RUNNING GAG FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF STRAY THOUGHTS, IT HAS ALSO BEEN AN ACTUAL NITPICK OF MINE INTERSPERSED WITH IRREVERENT CALLBACKS TO FAVORITE JOKES OF MINE FROM PAST BLOGS (THAT WAS ALSO A CALLBACK (see blog 8-21, or remember it if you already saw it before)))).
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Speaking of space madness, according to some news the internet just delivered to me, the astronaut I mentioned in that NASA blog apparently is pursuing a temporary insanity defense. In other words, she's going to argue SPACE MADNESS!!! WAAAAHH!!!!
I think I want to make some T-shirts with that on it. I found out the other day that sometime in April someone actually BOUGHT one of the T-shirts in my Cafepress store! All I need is to sell 24 more things and I can actually get the money! Problem is no one reads my comics and that's what all my T-shirts are based on. I need to make some general interest things to sell in there. How about you, 0 readers? Would you buy a T-shirt from me? PPPPLEEASE?
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Update on the T-shirt thing: I made one. Hit the store to purchase your very own Space Madness T-shirt.
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I tire of beer commercials that have nothing at all to do with beer. You dig?
Like those Corona commercials of people lying on the beach...you know a lot of beaches around here don't even allow alcohol! Which seems ridiculous to me, since I hate the beach and the only thing I can think of that would make it tolerable would be if I drank enough alcohol to cause permanent brain damage (and I don't even drink! THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE THE BEACH!)
Why can't we show what drinking's really about: getting totally stupid and sleeping with the unattractive? Isn't that the idea? (As I said I don't drink so I really don't know for sure...)
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The upcoming TV season has a number of shows I may try to watch, though many of the ones I'll be watching will be on channels I can't get at my house because of the TV reception problems I have previously mentioned on this blog (see blog 8-20 for reals), so I'll have to download them probably. FOX has two or three new shows that might not totally suck along with the three returning shows I already watch, but many of the new shows on other networks conflict with the existing shows I already watch! That show Reaper looks kinda interesting and stars the guy from The Loop (which I liked and so of course it was cancelled) but it's coming on Tuesdays at 9 RIGHT WHEN HOUSE COMES ON!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THINKING?!? HOUSE IS A HIT AND THIS NEW SHOW STANDS NO CHANCE OF DETHRONING IT!!!!
I wish I still had cable and a DVR. That was the greatest, I could watch TWO SHOWS AT ONCE! Plus I could skip commercials. OH THE JOYS OF DVRS!
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Hey, that episode of Friends with Hugh Laurie is on! For those of you House fans who are painfully ignorant of other cultures, Dr. House is played by a British feller named Hugh Laurie who used to be on all kinds of British comedy shows but the main one I know is Blackadder (starring Rowan "Mr. Bean" Atkinson as Blackadder)!
Anyway, Hugh Laurie does a hell of an American accent. I haven't heard him slip once! Even Tim Roth in Reservoir Dogs had one slip! When he's practicing that anecdote to use he gets to a part about "trying to watch the Lost Boys" and goes totally Brit for a split second. It totally ruined the movie. Seriously.
But you know what? MOTHER FUCKER LOOKS JUST LIKE THE THING!
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Somebody needs to murder Ashton Kutcher. I suppose there are people that deserve it more, but that bastard clearly has nothing more to offer society. He was on That 70's Show and was moderately funny there, but now that show is over and he produces awful brain-melting reality television! I keep seeing ads for Beauty and the Geek and they cause me physical pain they are so annoying! Not only does the show perpetuate a series of stereotypes but it puts people on television who would better serve humanity by killing themselves (I mean the Beauties mostly, the Geeks can serve humanity by enlisting in my evil army!!!!!)
Has Punk'd ended? I hope it has; Ashton Kutcher may have set our society back DECADES by resurrecting the dreaded Candid Camera show. The fact that Ashton Kutcher is so successful at being worthless and talentless is proof enough to me that there is no God, you can even throw out science and evolution if you want, it's still enough proof. And if there WERE a just and loving God he would DESTROY ASHTON KUTCHER!!!!!
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Here's another group that serves no practical purpose: fashion models. Yes, that's right, I'm going to speak out against models now.
Seriously, what do we need them for? They walk along runways, wear clothes, look pretty...AND?!? These people need to have some other responsibilities or else they need to make less money because as far as I can see they are essentially worthless in a sane society and the only reason we have them is that our society is INSANE.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Crappy Movie Review: Dead Beat
This time it's a little different, despite my best efforts to pay no attention to this film, I had just woken up from a nap and I was tired to the point that I could type a recap of the film as I was watching it and get pretty much all the pertinent information. So instead of just a review, this is a SCENE BY SCENE COMMENTARY! I HEAR THOSE ARE POPULAR ON THE INTERNETS!
The movie is Dead Beat, starring some douchebag but featuring Sara Gilbert (DARLENE FROM ROSEANNE! All we need is a couple Beckys and we got a reunion!) and produced in part by CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT FUCK YES THE KING OF BAD MOVIES. It is a quasi-true story.
This is a movie about some jackass greasers in some town out west, particularly Kit, the typical asshole alpha male. This Kit guy is completely full of shit, so much so that he elevates bullshit to a sort of art form, (in the way that Professional Wrestling is sort of an art form). He also apparently gets so much tail he's probably got Herpes considering that this movie is set in 1965 (YEAH A SIXTIES THROWBACK LET'S GET NOSTALGIC!). Lots of cars and hair grease and Elvis-wannabes make this feel more like a 50's movie than a 60's (but then the same can be said for American Graffiti (which is overrated trash, by the way)).
The movie is told not very well from the perspective of a character named Rudy but who I will be calling Little Boy Voice Narrator, because he has a little boy voice. Little Boy Voice Narrator is Kit's little protegé (I bet he wears Kit underoos). So Kit fucks anything that moves, but he's in a semi-committed relationship with an obviously screwy chick named Martha (but I will call her Darlene BECAUSE SHE IS!) Then there's Kristen, who is apparently COMPLETELY INSANE. In her first scene she intentionally falls off a high-dive board and lands back-first in a pool, then the butch lady lifeguard dives in to save her and gives her mouth-to-mouth but Kristen BITES HER ON THE MOUTH THEN RUNS OFF. So even I am finding this girl strangely intriguing (what can I say? I like 'em a little screwy!) but this Kit doofus is totally into her. Cut through some crap and eventually the two of them get together, they have their first date at a GRAVEYARD HAVING SEX ON A GRAVE, then they get to that point that relationships get to when the two involved parties become so obsessed with one another that they annoy the living shit out of everyone they know until no one wants to be around them at all for fear of being treated to a display of obsessive teenage affection.
The fact that the two of them are both nutbags means they are double-nutty when around each other. IT'S KIND OF FUN TO WATCH. So they're crazy and obsessed with each other and stuff, and soon Martha and Little Boy Voice Narrator are pissed off, both having been abandoned (thus underscoring LBVN's latent homosexual crush on his mentor Kit). Kristen in her turn becomes jealous of the tiny bit of attention Kit's still giving LBVN, leading to possibly one of the greatest lines in any bad movie, when Kristen starts a rumor by telling a flock of her gal-pals that LBVN "[F]orces girls to do it in the--" AND THE LINE WAS CUT OFF BY LBVN'S HORN HONKING BUT SHE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO SAY EAR. (Just kidding, I know she was referring to Anal Sex.) Later on the girl LBVN is trying to nail (Donna, I believe) throws a Malted (NOSTALGIA) on him at the first sign of advance on his part, and of course every girl in the next few scenes he tries to talk to giggles and runs off (IT'S PRETTY GREAT YEAH).
So, bizarrely, an hour into the movie (on TV anyway): Darlene has her second line.
In the next scene after that there's the classic scene that every movie should have, where Kit shows Kristen the grave of a girl he killed for no reason and buried in the desert, ostensibly to prove his love, but really I think he just wanted to tell someone cause knowing you're a murderer is a real turn-on for a girl...much less a murderer of young women...cause...you know...they could be next, THAT MAKES YOU DANGEROUS! Skip some stuff, LBVN has decided to pace up and down outside Donna's house with a baseball bat for god knows what reason, then Kit sends a letter to the office of health and safety claiming Kristen is spreading around VD (if she is she got it from his skanky ass), which you don't have to tell me makes no sense whatsoever.
So, I know this sounds like a comedy, but it's not really...but that would've been better.
So, some crazy fighting and another bold-faced lie from King Bullshit and there's a little scene between LBVN and Donna which makes very little sense, followed by a scene where LBVN is threatened by Donna's family with a rifle (IF ONLY HE WEREN'T THE NARRATOR SO HE COULD DIE!!! AT THIS POINT I'M SCREAMING FOR BLOOD!!!!). So Kristen at this point uses her incriminating knowledge of the dead girl in the desert to blackmail Kit at every possible opportunity. Kristen starts to cramp Kit's style, so when Kristen leaves town on vacation, Kit parties down, and at one of these parties we are treated to the third line of Darlene, who is becoming crazy obsessed and has decided she doesn't want to name her future child Cherry, she wants to name her Delores, but Kit's not having any of that so she takes a bunch of sleeping pills and doesn't quite die (Suicide: Tragic. Attempted Suicide: An Hilarious Failure!).
Then there's a scene of Kit shirtless standing in the rain screaming at the sky. Who can say what the hell it signifies?
Then Kristen breaks up with Kit, setting off a shit fit of MASSIVE PROPORTIONS. ONLY BOB GELDOF IN THE WALL BEATS IT. He immediately gets over her after this though and his peep gets back into full swing, but not for long because KRISTEN IS MISSING AND KIT IS A SUSPECT! OH NO! The cops give up right away, and the Mob starts squeezing Kit and LBVN. There's a bit of shouting and Kit and LBVN run off to the desert, where Kit reveals that he has murdered Krazy Kristen and now they have to bury her dead body (why he didn't bury her before she was already part compost is beyond me). There's a teensy bit of homoeroticism (DID I CALL IT OR WHAT?!?). There's a crazy dream sequence with Kit strangling Donna in a bridal gown and LAUGHING MANIACALLY. LBVN resolves with no real logic that it's time to tell the cops and get Kit sent away, and apparently they also find out about the other girl he killed and then we finally get a flashback to see that murder take place (HE HIT HER IN THE HEAD WITH A BIG ROCK).
The movie ends with Kit going off to jail and then LBVN has a little voiceover monologue and finally gets hit in the face with a flying beer can by some asshole in a convertible. IT'S THE GREATEST SCENE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.
So, as you can tell from this recap, not a lot actually happened in this movie. This was my main criticism. I mean, the premise is it's a guy who kills two girls and you don't get to see one at all and the other you only see a teensy bit. I LIKE THERE TO BE MORE MURDER IN MY MOVIES ABOUT MURDER. In one scene Kit bought Kristen a wig that cost $100, but seeing the hatbox I was really hoping it contained a severed head. COME ON! SEVERED HEADS ARE CLASSIC!
I suppose my favorite part was that anal sex rumor. That just struck me really funny. I'm going to tell people that about someone I know and then I'll LAUGH AND LAUGH!!
So there's not much point in any of you actually seeing this movie now since I've recapped damn near every scene for you, but if you do I doubt you'll like it; it's really slow, the acting, writing, and directing are all second-rate; and there's far too much hair grease and not enough murder. THE MOVIE IS CALLED DEAD BEAT AND THAT'S A MISNOMER BECAUSE FOR ONE THING I CANNOT DIVINE WHAT THE WORD BEAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN THERE AND ALSO BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY A BIT OF DEATH AND IT'S MOSTLY INCIDENTAL TO THE ACTUAL PLOT.
The movie is Dead Beat, starring some douchebag but featuring Sara Gilbert (DARLENE FROM ROSEANNE! All we need is a couple Beckys and we got a reunion!) and produced in part by CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT FUCK YES THE KING OF BAD MOVIES. It is a quasi-true story.
This is a movie about some jackass greasers in some town out west, particularly Kit, the typical asshole alpha male. This Kit guy is completely full of shit, so much so that he elevates bullshit to a sort of art form, (in the way that Professional Wrestling is sort of an art form). He also apparently gets so much tail he's probably got Herpes considering that this movie is set in 1965 (YEAH A SIXTIES THROWBACK LET'S GET NOSTALGIC!). Lots of cars and hair grease and Elvis-wannabes make this feel more like a 50's movie than a 60's (but then the same can be said for American Graffiti (which is overrated trash, by the way)).
The movie is told not very well from the perspective of a character named Rudy but who I will be calling Little Boy Voice Narrator, because he has a little boy voice. Little Boy Voice Narrator is Kit's little protegé (I bet he wears Kit underoos). So Kit fucks anything that moves, but he's in a semi-committed relationship with an obviously screwy chick named Martha (but I will call her Darlene BECAUSE SHE IS!) Then there's Kristen, who is apparently COMPLETELY INSANE. In her first scene she intentionally falls off a high-dive board and lands back-first in a pool, then the butch lady lifeguard dives in to save her and gives her mouth-to-mouth but Kristen BITES HER ON THE MOUTH THEN RUNS OFF. So even I am finding this girl strangely intriguing (what can I say? I like 'em a little screwy!) but this Kit doofus is totally into her. Cut through some crap and eventually the two of them get together, they have their first date at a GRAVEYARD HAVING SEX ON A GRAVE, then they get to that point that relationships get to when the two involved parties become so obsessed with one another that they annoy the living shit out of everyone they know until no one wants to be around them at all for fear of being treated to a display of obsessive teenage affection.
The fact that the two of them are both nutbags means they are double-nutty when around each other. IT'S KIND OF FUN TO WATCH. So they're crazy and obsessed with each other and stuff, and soon Martha and Little Boy Voice Narrator are pissed off, both having been abandoned (thus underscoring LBVN's latent homosexual crush on his mentor Kit). Kristen in her turn becomes jealous of the tiny bit of attention Kit's still giving LBVN, leading to possibly one of the greatest lines in any bad movie, when Kristen starts a rumor by telling a flock of her gal-pals that LBVN "[F]orces girls to do it in the--" AND THE LINE WAS CUT OFF BY LBVN'S HORN HONKING BUT SHE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO SAY EAR. (Just kidding, I know she was referring to Anal Sex.) Later on the girl LBVN is trying to nail (Donna, I believe) throws a Malted (NOSTALGIA) on him at the first sign of advance on his part, and of course every girl in the next few scenes he tries to talk to giggles and runs off (IT'S PRETTY GREAT YEAH).
So, bizarrely, an hour into the movie (on TV anyway): Darlene has her second line.
In the next scene after that there's the classic scene that every movie should have, where Kit shows Kristen the grave of a girl he killed for no reason and buried in the desert, ostensibly to prove his love, but really I think he just wanted to tell someone cause knowing you're a murderer is a real turn-on for a girl...much less a murderer of young women...cause...you know...they could be next, THAT MAKES YOU DANGEROUS! Skip some stuff, LBVN has decided to pace up and down outside Donna's house with a baseball bat for god knows what reason, then Kit sends a letter to the office of health and safety claiming Kristen is spreading around VD (if she is she got it from his skanky ass), which you don't have to tell me makes no sense whatsoever.
So, I know this sounds like a comedy, but it's not really...but that would've been better.
So, some crazy fighting and another bold-faced lie from King Bullshit and there's a little scene between LBVN and Donna which makes very little sense, followed by a scene where LBVN is threatened by Donna's family with a rifle (IF ONLY HE WEREN'T THE NARRATOR SO HE COULD DIE!!! AT THIS POINT I'M SCREAMING FOR BLOOD!!!!). So Kristen at this point uses her incriminating knowledge of the dead girl in the desert to blackmail Kit at every possible opportunity. Kristen starts to cramp Kit's style, so when Kristen leaves town on vacation, Kit parties down, and at one of these parties we are treated to the third line of Darlene, who is becoming crazy obsessed and has decided she doesn't want to name her future child Cherry, she wants to name her Delores, but Kit's not having any of that so she takes a bunch of sleeping pills and doesn't quite die (Suicide: Tragic. Attempted Suicide: An Hilarious Failure!).
Then there's a scene of Kit shirtless standing in the rain screaming at the sky. Who can say what the hell it signifies?
Then Kristen breaks up with Kit, setting off a shit fit of MASSIVE PROPORTIONS. ONLY BOB GELDOF IN THE WALL BEATS IT. He immediately gets over her after this though and his peep gets back into full swing, but not for long because KRISTEN IS MISSING AND KIT IS A SUSPECT! OH NO! The cops give up right away, and the Mob starts squeezing Kit and LBVN. There's a bit of shouting and Kit and LBVN run off to the desert, where Kit reveals that he has murdered Krazy Kristen and now they have to bury her dead body (why he didn't bury her before she was already part compost is beyond me). There's a teensy bit of homoeroticism (DID I CALL IT OR WHAT?!?). There's a crazy dream sequence with Kit strangling Donna in a bridal gown and LAUGHING MANIACALLY. LBVN resolves with no real logic that it's time to tell the cops and get Kit sent away, and apparently they also find out about the other girl he killed and then we finally get a flashback to see that murder take place (HE HIT HER IN THE HEAD WITH A BIG ROCK).
The movie ends with Kit going off to jail and then LBVN has a little voiceover monologue and finally gets hit in the face with a flying beer can by some asshole in a convertible. IT'S THE GREATEST SCENE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.
So, as you can tell from this recap, not a lot actually happened in this movie. This was my main criticism. I mean, the premise is it's a guy who kills two girls and you don't get to see one at all and the other you only see a teensy bit. I LIKE THERE TO BE MORE MURDER IN MY MOVIES ABOUT MURDER. In one scene Kit bought Kristen a wig that cost $100, but seeing the hatbox I was really hoping it contained a severed head. COME ON! SEVERED HEADS ARE CLASSIC!
I suppose my favorite part was that anal sex rumor. That just struck me really funny. I'm going to tell people that about someone I know and then I'll LAUGH AND LAUGH!!
So there's not much point in any of you actually seeing this movie now since I've recapped damn near every scene for you, but if you do I doubt you'll like it; it's really slow, the acting, writing, and directing are all second-rate; and there's far too much hair grease and not enough murder. THE MOVIE IS CALLED DEAD BEAT AND THAT'S A MISNOMER BECAUSE FOR ONE THING I CANNOT DIVINE WHAT THE WORD BEAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN THERE AND ALSO BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY A BIT OF DEATH AND IT'S MOSTLY INCIDENTAL TO THE ACTUAL PLOT.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Women! Am I right?
I could never be a woman. Why? Because those vaginas are very high maintenance. When watching TV I'm constantly being assaulted with advertisements for vagina accessories: Tampons! Maxi pads! Summer's Eve! And then there's the shoes! SHOES SHOES SHOES!! I have one pair of shoes and I could probably get by with half that (so long as it was the sort that would fit on either foot so I could alternate), but women have dozens of shoes and never stop buying them! Then there's the fixation on body hair removal. I have a healthy coverage of hair everywhere except my back (which is smooth) and I wouldn't have it any other way (I'd get cold, I'm sure).
But this is not what I have come here to talk about. There is another problem we as a society must face and I have come to spread the word! EXCLAMATION!
I have observed, as many of you surely must also have noticed, a tendency of individuals of the female persuasion to be batshit crazy. Often times they fly off the handle for no reason whatsoever, they frequently have unhealthy fixations on insignificant dates and unrealistic standards of personal grooming, they go to great lengths to marginally alter their physical appearance on a daily basis, they spend hundreds of dollars on shoes which cause a level of discomfort far outweighing the perceived value of their attractiveness, they pee sitting down, they refuse to pay for anything, they constantly play mind games, and they eat monkeys.
Well, now science has an answer! A recently discovered condition, known as Vaginitis, is responsible for many of the crazy things that women do!
Vaginitis is a condition where the vagina becomes inflamed and irritated, causing itching and burning, a fondness for soap operas, and oily discharge. Left untreated for a certain length of time the problem will begin to affect hormone levels and cognitive function, causing emotions to go haywire and diminishing the ability to reason. In some cases the labia may recede inward and stretch itself up into the body, eventually strangling the brain! In other cases the inverse may happen, and the labia will stretch out to strangle sexual partners (studies show this is the real situation behind most supposed cases of male autoerotic asphyxiation)!
This insanity can be very dangerous if one is not careful. If you should find yourself within striking range of a Vaginitis sufferer, it is important not to make any sudden moves. Avoid eye contact and never ever give her a chance to set sights on your penis. A Vaginitis afflicted woman will pounce on the penis and EAT IT. LIKE, CHEW IT RIGHT OFF. You can easily identify a Vaginitis sufferer by the amount of time it takes her to get ready when you're in a hurry to get somewhere. If it takes anything less than 20 minutes, you're in the clear, but anything from 20 minutes to four and a half hours, get a shotgun and barricade yourself in the pantry (and cover your dick).
Treatment for Vaginitis varies depending on the severity of the condition. In the later stages of the condition a full vaginectomy may be necessary, but in the earlier stages a good deep dicking is generally enough. In fact, though researchers are divided on this, abstinence is thought to cause the majority of vaginitis cases.
So, you heard it here first ladies! Go out and whore around or go completely bonkers (assuming you're not already, you crazy crazy bitches). And while you're out whoring around, why not stop by my place? IT'S JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!! Whores.
But this is not what I have come here to talk about. There is another problem we as a society must face and I have come to spread the word! EXCLAMATION!
I have observed, as many of you surely must also have noticed, a tendency of individuals of the female persuasion to be batshit crazy. Often times they fly off the handle for no reason whatsoever, they frequently have unhealthy fixations on insignificant dates and unrealistic standards of personal grooming, they go to great lengths to marginally alter their physical appearance on a daily basis, they spend hundreds of dollars on shoes which cause a level of discomfort far outweighing the perceived value of their attractiveness, they pee sitting down, they refuse to pay for anything, they constantly play mind games, and they eat monkeys.
Well, now science has an answer! A recently discovered condition, known as Vaginitis, is responsible for many of the crazy things that women do!
Vaginitis is a condition where the vagina becomes inflamed and irritated, causing itching and burning, a fondness for soap operas, and oily discharge. Left untreated for a certain length of time the problem will begin to affect hormone levels and cognitive function, causing emotions to go haywire and diminishing the ability to reason. In some cases the labia may recede inward and stretch itself up into the body, eventually strangling the brain! In other cases the inverse may happen, and the labia will stretch out to strangle sexual partners (studies show this is the real situation behind most supposed cases of male autoerotic asphyxiation)!
This insanity can be very dangerous if one is not careful. If you should find yourself within striking range of a Vaginitis sufferer, it is important not to make any sudden moves. Avoid eye contact and never ever give her a chance to set sights on your penis. A Vaginitis afflicted woman will pounce on the penis and EAT IT. LIKE, CHEW IT RIGHT OFF. You can easily identify a Vaginitis sufferer by the amount of time it takes her to get ready when you're in a hurry to get somewhere. If it takes anything less than 20 minutes, you're in the clear, but anything from 20 minutes to four and a half hours, get a shotgun and barricade yourself in the pantry (and cover your dick).
Treatment for Vaginitis varies depending on the severity of the condition. In the later stages of the condition a full vaginectomy may be necessary, but in the earlier stages a good deep dicking is generally enough. In fact, though researchers are divided on this, abstinence is thought to cause the majority of vaginitis cases.
So, you heard it here first ladies! Go out and whore around or go completely bonkers (assuming you're not already, you crazy crazy bitches). And while you're out whoring around, why not stop by my place? IT'S JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!! Whores.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Stray Thoughts
It seems like Jeopardy is against me (just like the rest of the world.) Occasionally I tune in when nothing else is on and I want to feel intellectually superior to history teachers from Wisconsin, but the last several times I've tuned in, it's been Teen Jeopardy or Celebrity Jeopardy or Jeopardy for Trained Ferrets! These Jeopardys are not challenging!! THE QUESTIONS ARE TOO EASY!!!
Besides, I don't need a game show to tell me I'm superior to some guy from CSI: New York. I ALREADY KNOW THAT!
At least Family Feud still loves me. And with that show I can feel intellectually superior to WHOLE FAMILES!
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On a related note, the other day I was watching Celebrity Jeopardy and they had the Secretary of Education on as a contestant, along with (one of my personal heroes) Michael McKean and the aforementioned CSI guy. I'm sure they thought the Secretary of Education would do really well, but McKean WIPED THE FLOOR WITH HER. By the first commercial break she was $400 in the red and McKean had $8,000 (the CSI guy had $600).
By Final Jeopardy she had less than half McKean's score. She did okay on Final Jeopardy because it was THE EASIEST QUESTION EVER (CSI guy said he had trouble with it, hilariously), but McKean still beat her by like $20,000 and he didn't even wager that much!
DAVID ST. HUBBINS FOREVER.
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Speaking of Spinal Tap, one of the categories in Single Jeopardy was STONEHENGE.
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I need a laptop. Not only would it allow me to go to public places and write SO EVERYONE WOULD THINK I WAS A SOPHISTICATED WRITER AND SEXY WOMEN WOULD HIT ON ME AND BUY ME THINGS, but it would allow me to write things when I'm away at places that don't have computers (also I could move my TV into the living room next to the good A/C and just use my laptop when I'm in there...or hell, I could just move my computer AND my TV...but then what would I use my room for? I NEED ANOTHER TV.) I say this now because I spent a couple days over at another place that apparently was in some kind of temporal anomaly because it appeared to be the year 1995! There was no computer, a REALLY old gas oven, no one had heard of mp3s and THEY ONLY HAD BASIC CABLE!!! DOESN'T EVERYONE JUST GET DIGITAL CABLE OR SATELLITE AT THIS POINT?!? THE DIGITAL BOX IS ONLY A FEW BUCKS MORE!!! (Unless you're stealing basic cable, then it's INFINITELY MORE (cause stolen cable is $0.00...it's $Ø)). I was watching the basic cable, quite enjoying it (having no cable of my own), when I noticed that they were showing George of the Jungle 2 on WKCF!! If I'd been home I TOTALLY WOULD'VE REVIEWED THAT BITCH FOR YOU PEEPS! Hopefully it'll come on again at some point...it wouldn't really be playing fair for me to go out and rent it...and I'd also be a little embarrassed to rent it...let's face it, I'd be A LOT EMBARRASSED. Then again, I'm always a little embarrassed...
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My brother, who is awesome for the most part, has been annoying me. He lives way up in Panama City, FL, which is a long distance call from here (not that it matters much, I'm a bit phobic of phones because as I may not have mentioned lately, I'M INSANE). He has called me several times when I was away and left messages to call him back...but my phone doesn't have long distance on it (a penny-pinching measure...since...I don't know anyone else that lives outside local calling range...and as I said before, phones are not my friends). As I've said, he's done this several times now, and can't seem to remember that it's not possible for me to call him back (and I'm certainly not going out to a payphone or anything...that would suck...plus I never have money...).
It wouldn't bother me as much, but I hate not returning phone calls. MISS MANNERS WOULD NOT BE PLEASED.
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I'm endeavoring to become a stickler for italicization...mostly the titles of movies and TV shows and when you use a word to refer to itself, like penis (See? Penis wasn't intended to refer to an actual penis and therefore was italicized, THIS IS HOW GRAMMAR WORKED BEFORE THE INTERNET), but the effort itself threatens to take away my favorite bit of personal pedantism: using Notepad for nearly everything written. Notepad is wonderful in its simplicity, but besides some issues with its word wrap and a general inflexibility on its part, this is the first major issue I've had with it.
THIS STRAY THOUGHT WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WORD PENIS. PENIS: DO YOU HAVE ONE? YOU SHOULD, THEY'RE GREAT. THEY ALLOW YOU TO RUN THE WORLD AND MAKE MORE MONEY THAN PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS. UNLESS YOU'RE SOME KIND OF RETARD.
THE STATEMENTS MADE IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH ARE THE OPINIONS OF THE PENIS CORPORATION AND DO NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS OF THE GREAT JOE BIVINS BUT THEY ARE TOTALLY ACCURATE NONE THE LESS.
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Did you ever go to do a paste but end up just typing the letter v? THIS HAS BEEN YOUR COMPUTER SPECIFIC THOUGHT FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF STRAY THOUGHTS. DON'T SHIT YOURSELF WITH EXCITEMENT. I AM SERIOUS. :[ I HATE EMOTICONS OF ALL TYPES INCLUDING THAT ONE I JUST TYPED THERE. (THIS HAS BEEN YOUR HYPOCRITICAL STATEMENT FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF STRAY THOUGHTS. ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING, BUT I'M STILL HERE. JUST SITTING HERE. LISTENING TO THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. BECAUSE THEY'RE AWESOME AND I'M AWESOME FOR LISTENING TO THEM. (THIS HAS BEEN YOUR UNSUPPORTED STATEMENT OF FACTS INFERRED BASED SOLELY ON PERSONAL PREFERENCE FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF STRAY THOUGHTS. IT WAS ALSO AN ELVIS REFERENCE, BUT I DON'T INTEND TO DO THOSE REGULARLY. I DO HOWEVER WANT A WHITE JUMPSUIT AND A CAPE.))
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I have heard that all-caps typing is considered to be shouting in internet slang. I THINK THAT'S APPROPRIATE TO THE MESSAGE I'M TRYING TO GET ACROSS WHEN I DO IT.
Besides, I don't need a game show to tell me I'm superior to some guy from CSI: New York. I ALREADY KNOW THAT!
At least Family Feud still loves me. And with that show I can feel intellectually superior to WHOLE FAMILES!
==============================
On a related note, the other day I was watching Celebrity Jeopardy and they had the Secretary of Education on as a contestant, along with (one of my personal heroes) Michael McKean and the aforementioned CSI guy. I'm sure they thought the Secretary of Education would do really well, but McKean WIPED THE FLOOR WITH HER. By the first commercial break she was $400 in the red and McKean had $8,000 (the CSI guy had $600).
By Final Jeopardy she had less than half McKean's score. She did okay on Final Jeopardy because it was THE EASIEST QUESTION EVER (CSI guy said he had trouble with it, hilariously), but McKean still beat her by like $20,000 and he didn't even wager that much!
DAVID ST. HUBBINS FOREVER.
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Speaking of Spinal Tap, one of the categories in Single Jeopardy was STONEHENGE.
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I need a laptop. Not only would it allow me to go to public places and write SO EVERYONE WOULD THINK I WAS A SOPHISTICATED WRITER AND SEXY WOMEN WOULD HIT ON ME AND BUY ME THINGS, but it would allow me to write things when I'm away at places that don't have computers (also I could move my TV into the living room next to the good A/C and just use my laptop when I'm in there...or hell, I could just move my computer AND my TV...but then what would I use my room for? I NEED ANOTHER TV.) I say this now because I spent a couple days over at another place that apparently was in some kind of temporal anomaly because it appeared to be the year 1995! There was no computer, a REALLY old gas oven, no one had heard of mp3s and THEY ONLY HAD BASIC CABLE!!! DOESN'T EVERYONE JUST GET DIGITAL CABLE OR SATELLITE AT THIS POINT?!? THE DIGITAL BOX IS ONLY A FEW BUCKS MORE!!! (Unless you're stealing basic cable, then it's INFINITELY MORE (cause stolen cable is $0.00...it's $Ø)). I was watching the basic cable, quite enjoying it (having no cable of my own), when I noticed that they were showing George of the Jungle 2 on WKCF!! If I'd been home I TOTALLY WOULD'VE REVIEWED THAT BITCH FOR YOU PEEPS! Hopefully it'll come on again at some point...it wouldn't really be playing fair for me to go out and rent it...and I'd also be a little embarrassed to rent it...let's face it, I'd be A LOT EMBARRASSED. Then again, I'm always a little embarrassed...
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My brother, who is awesome for the most part, has been annoying me. He lives way up in Panama City, FL, which is a long distance call from here (not that it matters much, I'm a bit phobic of phones because as I may not have mentioned lately, I'M INSANE). He has called me several times when I was away and left messages to call him back...but my phone doesn't have long distance on it (a penny-pinching measure...since...I don't know anyone else that lives outside local calling range...and as I said before, phones are not my friends). As I've said, he's done this several times now, and can't seem to remember that it's not possible for me to call him back (and I'm certainly not going out to a payphone or anything...that would suck...plus I never have money...).
It wouldn't bother me as much, but I hate not returning phone calls. MISS MANNERS WOULD NOT BE PLEASED.
==============================
I'm endeavoring to become a stickler for italicization...mostly the titles of movies and TV shows and when you use a word to refer to itself, like penis (See? Penis wasn't intended to refer to an actual penis and therefore was italicized, THIS IS HOW GRAMMAR WORKED BEFORE THE INTERNET), but the effort itself threatens to take away my favorite bit of personal pedantism: using Notepad for nearly everything written. Notepad is wonderful in its simplicity, but besides some issues with its word wrap and a general inflexibility on its part, this is the first major issue I've had with it.
THIS STRAY THOUGHT WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WORD PENIS. PENIS: DO YOU HAVE ONE? YOU SHOULD, THEY'RE GREAT. THEY ALLOW YOU TO RUN THE WORLD AND MAKE MORE MONEY THAN PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS. UNLESS YOU'RE SOME KIND OF RETARD.
THE STATEMENTS MADE IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH ARE THE OPINIONS OF THE PENIS CORPORATION AND DO NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS OF THE GREAT JOE BIVINS BUT THEY ARE TOTALLY ACCURATE NONE THE LESS.
==============================
Did you ever go to do a paste but end up just typing the letter v? THIS HAS BEEN YOUR COMPUTER SPECIFIC THOUGHT FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF STRAY THOUGHTS. DON'T SHIT YOURSELF WITH EXCITEMENT. I AM SERIOUS. :[ I HATE EMOTICONS OF ALL TYPES INCLUDING THAT ONE I JUST TYPED THERE. (THIS HAS BEEN YOUR HYPOCRITICAL STATEMENT FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF STRAY THOUGHTS. ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING, BUT I'M STILL HERE. JUST SITTING HERE. LISTENING TO THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. BECAUSE THEY'RE AWESOME AND I'M AWESOME FOR LISTENING TO THEM. (THIS HAS BEEN YOUR UNSUPPORTED STATEMENT OF FACTS INFERRED BASED SOLELY ON PERSONAL PREFERENCE FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF STRAY THOUGHTS. IT WAS ALSO AN ELVIS REFERENCE, BUT I DON'T INTEND TO DO THOSE REGULARLY. I DO HOWEVER WANT A WHITE JUMPSUIT AND A CAPE.))
==============================
I have heard that all-caps typing is considered to be shouting in internet slang. I THINK THAT'S APPROPRIATE TO THE MESSAGE I'M TRYING TO GET ACROSS WHEN I DO IT.
Monday, August 20, 2007
An Open Letter to My Local PBS Station
To the appropriate powers-that-be at my local PBS affiliate, WMFE channel 24:
You're pissing me off. I have no social life, no job, no money, no cable, my house (trailer) is a shithole with poor climate controls (rendering it just short of uninhabitable much of the year) and intermittent pest infestations and worst of all, shitty TV reception.
Even though your transmitter is literally just down the street from me (a block away from the Walmart I do my grocery-shopping at (coming soon: An Open Letter to the Walmart I Do My Grocery-Shopping At)) I usually can't get an interference-free signal from you. (I've actually read that proximity to a transmitter can cause both electromagnetic interference and signal overload problems, but I'm not sure that's the case here...) Still, through the lines and snow and flickering colors I tune in every Saturday night for your block of Saturday Night Britcoms, and while I was slightly annoyed when you replaced Monty Python with the new Doctor Who when a much better solution would've been to swap Python into Good Neighbors' slot and keep Python and Who (IT'S WIN/WIN...THE ONLY LOSERS ARE THE ONES THAT LIKE GOOD NEIGHBORS...BUT FELICITY KENDAL IS PRETTY CUTE... (British readers: Good Neighbors is the American syndication title of The Good Life (also neighbors is how non-retards spell neighbours (just kidding, Brits, I think you're marvelous (marvelously retarded))))).
So hey, I understand the concept of pledging and the idea that you have very few advertisers and have to get the bulk of your fundage from the jerks that watch your station. And if you want to come on and bitch in between shows as opposed to what you do normally (show a series of commercials for your sponsors, you big fat sell-outs), I have absolutely no problem with it. And if I ever get some money, I promise to pledge a bit if you promise to STOP PREEMPTING MY BRITCOMS FOR YOUR BULLSHIT SPECIALS! (Here's the vicious rant you've been waiting for people...)
FOR SEVERAL WEEKS IN A ROW YOU PERIODICALLY TAKE THE BRITCOMS OFF THE AIR AND REPLACE THEM WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING MUSIC SPECIALS OR DVDs YOU SOMEHOW GOT THE RIGHTS TO AIR HACKED UP VERSIONS OF ON YOUR PBS STATION AND I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT YOU SNOOTY BASTARDS!!! I WANT TO WATCH KEEPING UP APPEARANCES ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN I'M ALONE REVELING IN MY PATHETIC LACK OF ANY SOCIAL LIFE, NOT DOO-WOP'S GREATEST HITS!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER IN COUNTRY'S LEGENDARY PERFORMERS OR THE BRITISH BEAT!!!!! IF YOU SHOW CELTIC WOMAN ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO IRELAND TO STRANGLE THOSE BANSHEE SHAMROCK SKANKS (I could probably do a whole other rant about my hatred of Celtic music and my dumbfoundedness at its recent popularity (I think when you take into account my Irish heritage this has more relevance (also I think it invalidates any accusations of racism (I hope so anyway...))))
And do you have to cut the damn things all to hell? I thought you were PBS, not VH1 Classic! You've been showing Pink Floyd: P.U.L.S.E., a performance I'm not that personally enamored with but I still think you should show the whole fucking performance instead of hacking together the best bits and sticking them on a special while incessantly patting yourself on the back during the bitch-breaks for having aired the fucking thing at all! P.U.L.S.E., as your historian said during your bitch-break, is historically important as the last live tour of Pink Floyd (the Gilmour/Wright/Mason lineup, that is) and also as the first performance in many years of the entirety of Dark Side of the Moon. You say this, talk about how awesome that is, ask for money, then of course during the show itself Dark Side of the Moon is not only missing several songs, but is IN THE WRONG FUCKING ORDER!!!!!
Not to mention, there aren't a lot of new specials in this bunch. You've been repeating mostly the same ones since I started watching your programming over a year ago, and if there's anything worse than a show you had no interest in the first time it came on, it's a show you continue to have no interest in after it has re-run three hundred and fifty-three times.
Look, I like a lot of your programming. I watch the McLaughlin Group sometimes on the ridiculously rare occasion that I'm up that early on a Sunday (ATHEISTS CALL IT LAZY-DAY); I watch Nova sometimes and always learn something new about genetics or archeology or Medieval bakeries or something like that; I saw a movie about Henry VIII once that was pretty sweet; BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP THIS PREEMPTING MY SHIT.
You Are Seriously Pissing Me Off, Dickheads,
The Great Joe Bivins
You're pissing me off. I have no social life, no job, no money, no cable, my house (trailer) is a shithole with poor climate controls (rendering it just short of uninhabitable much of the year) and intermittent pest infestations and worst of all, shitty TV reception.
Even though your transmitter is literally just down the street from me (a block away from the Walmart I do my grocery-shopping at (coming soon: An Open Letter to the Walmart I Do My Grocery-Shopping At)) I usually can't get an interference-free signal from you. (I've actually read that proximity to a transmitter can cause both electromagnetic interference and signal overload problems, but I'm not sure that's the case here...) Still, through the lines and snow and flickering colors I tune in every Saturday night for your block of Saturday Night Britcoms, and while I was slightly annoyed when you replaced Monty Python with the new Doctor Who when a much better solution would've been to swap Python into Good Neighbors' slot and keep Python and Who (IT'S WIN/WIN...THE ONLY LOSERS ARE THE ONES THAT LIKE GOOD NEIGHBORS...BUT FELICITY KENDAL IS PRETTY CUTE... (British readers: Good Neighbors is the American syndication title of The Good Life (also neighbors is how non-retards spell neighbours (just kidding, Brits, I think you're marvelous (marvelously retarded))))).
So hey, I understand the concept of pledging and the idea that you have very few advertisers and have to get the bulk of your fundage from the jerks that watch your station. And if you want to come on and bitch in between shows as opposed to what you do normally (show a series of commercials for your sponsors, you big fat sell-outs), I have absolutely no problem with it. And if I ever get some money, I promise to pledge a bit if you promise to STOP PREEMPTING MY BRITCOMS FOR YOUR BULLSHIT SPECIALS! (Here's the vicious rant you've been waiting for people...)
FOR SEVERAL WEEKS IN A ROW YOU PERIODICALLY TAKE THE BRITCOMS OFF THE AIR AND REPLACE THEM WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING MUSIC SPECIALS OR DVDs YOU SOMEHOW GOT THE RIGHTS TO AIR HACKED UP VERSIONS OF ON YOUR PBS STATION AND I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT YOU SNOOTY BASTARDS!!! I WANT TO WATCH KEEPING UP APPEARANCES ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN I'M ALONE REVELING IN MY PATHETIC LACK OF ANY SOCIAL LIFE, NOT DOO-WOP'S GREATEST HITS!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER IN COUNTRY'S LEGENDARY PERFORMERS OR THE BRITISH BEAT!!!!! IF YOU SHOW CELTIC WOMAN ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO IRELAND TO STRANGLE THOSE BANSHEE SHAMROCK SKANKS (I could probably do a whole other rant about my hatred of Celtic music and my dumbfoundedness at its recent popularity (I think when you take into account my Irish heritage this has more relevance (also I think it invalidates any accusations of racism (I hope so anyway...))))
And do you have to cut the damn things all to hell? I thought you were PBS, not VH1 Classic! You've been showing Pink Floyd: P.U.L.S.E., a performance I'm not that personally enamored with but I still think you should show the whole fucking performance instead of hacking together the best bits and sticking them on a special while incessantly patting yourself on the back during the bitch-breaks for having aired the fucking thing at all! P.U.L.S.E., as your historian said during your bitch-break, is historically important as the last live tour of Pink Floyd (the Gilmour/Wright/Mason lineup, that is) and also as the first performance in many years of the entirety of Dark Side of the Moon. You say this, talk about how awesome that is, ask for money, then of course during the show itself Dark Side of the Moon is not only missing several songs, but is IN THE WRONG FUCKING ORDER!!!!!
Not to mention, there aren't a lot of new specials in this bunch. You've been repeating mostly the same ones since I started watching your programming over a year ago, and if there's anything worse than a show you had no interest in the first time it came on, it's a show you continue to have no interest in after it has re-run three hundred and fifty-three times.
Look, I like a lot of your programming. I watch the McLaughlin Group sometimes on the ridiculously rare occasion that I'm up that early on a Sunday (ATHEISTS CALL IT LAZY-DAY); I watch Nova sometimes and always learn something new about genetics or archeology or Medieval bakeries or something like that; I saw a movie about Henry VIII once that was pretty sweet; BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP THIS PREEMPTING MY SHIT.
You Are Seriously Pissing Me Off, Dickheads,
The Great Joe Bivins
Friday, August 17, 2007
EDITORIAL: Space
An Editorial About the Space Program From Someone Who Hasn't Done Any Research and Really Doesn't Know Enough About the Modern Space Program to Have an Opinion On It, Much Less Write an Editorial About It
When I was a child I was fixated on space exploration and astronomy. I used to always get books from the library with pictures and facts about the solar system and the space program and the history of space exploration.
I don't remember if I ever really thought I could be an astronaut, but I quickly decided I didn't even want to be an astronaut because I was afraid of explosive decompression and being exposed to the cold vacuum of space (have I mentioned I'm a genius? No biggy, but the cold vacuum of space was something I thought about when I was in elementary school.)
Living in Florida was probably a big part of this fixation, because if you live anywhere in Central Florida and there's a space shuttle or rocket of any kind launched from Kennedy Space Center (which is just over on the coast), all you need to do is stand outside and look east and you'll see the bugger shooting up into the sky (it curves backwards as it leaves the atmosphere...did you know that? I DID.) Practically every time a shuttle went up when I was between the ages of 1-4 and 6-10 (for about two years I lived in Arizona...so...no launches...) I was outside (and so was most of my family) looking at it. Once we even went out to the coast and watched one go up from just a few miles (unobstructed view of the launchpad) away. It was pretty fucking cool, to drop an F-bomb for emphasis.
So, all that is good context for this rant about how ridiculous NASA has looked the last few months (and the last few years, too.) I personally don't care that some astronaut lady went nuts and wore a diaper, I suspect it was a case of SPACE MADNESS. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. SPACE.......MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADNESS!
What I do care about: WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL USING THESE DECREPIT PIECE OF SHIT SPACE SHUTTLES?!?!? I guess nobody really noticed these things were so flimsy until a piece of foam blew one up a few years ago, and after that there was a real long time when they tried to figure out what to do about it (apparently they decided to do basically nothing and just hope none of the rest of their shuttles explode), but now they're still using them and every time they send one up something new falls off and they have to fix it IN SPACE before they can come back to Earth.
Now we've been using these things since the 70's and though the innards have probably been totally overhauled over the decades the outards (NOT A WORD, MAYBE NO ONE WILL NOTICE) can't be altered all that much and the basic design must be painfully out of date by now. Somehow they've been earmarked to continue being used for years to come, which is insane, since there were only a few shuttles to begin with and two of them have EXPLODED and the fewer there are in use the more wear and tear on each individual shuttle and the higher likelihood that another one will EXPLODE.
I was under the impression after Columbia exploded that they would move up the replacement for the space shuttles and we'd only be using them a few more years before the less-likely-to-explode-shiny-new-orbiters would be put into use, but a bit ago I was watching TV and there was a show about them designing the replacements and it looked like they'd BARELY STARTED ON THEM AT ALL!
How are we continuing to strap a box-kite with wings to a hydrogen fuel tank and lighting a huge explosion under them to make them scream up out of the atmosphere and into Earth orbit? Why haven't we upgraded to something less rickety? I'd like to see public space-flights within my lifetime and there's no way in hell we're going to make it if we continue at this pace. GO TO MARS ALREADY! QUIT BUILDING POINTLESS THINGS ORBITING EARTH! DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! RETURN TO THE MOON AND DON'T FORGET THE CHICKS THIS TIME! AND BRING BACK THOSE BITCHIN' SILVER SPACE-SUITS FROM THE MERCURY PROGRAM ERA!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Crappy Movie Review: Inspector Gadget 2
So that straight-to-video sequel to Disney's should-have-been-straight-to-video Inspector Gadget movie came on tv today (right before Star Trek) and even though I only saw the last few minutes and didn't bother even turning the sound on, I'M GOING TO REVIEW IT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!
I know that sounds a little impossible, but one time a while ago I watched the last half-or-so of this movie on cable (with sound that time) so I'll mostly be going from what I remember. TRUST ME, IT'LL BE AWESOME.
So, if you don't remember (or were lucky enough not to see) the first Inspector Gadget movie, it was a bad blending of Robocop, the Six-Million Dollar Man, and any number of bad superhero movies with just a dash of its classic cartoon namesake. Matthew Broderick stars as a regular cop (IN AN IRREGULAR WORLD) who gets smooshed by something or dies of AIDS or something like that, BASICALLY HE'S DEAD, and some scientist working for the police decides to use him as a guinea pig for a new cyborg police prototype (SEE THE ROBOCOP? IT'S THERE!). So instead of sticking him in a bulky-but-way-cool metal exoskeleton they literally dump a bucket of goofy sight gags in his chest and close him up. So, he wakes up, then they have to train him for some reason to say "Go, Go, Gadget WHATEVER" and there's a nut-crushing scene that's a little out of place in a kiddie movie, then they give him a talking car for some reason and he had a big fight with some guy with a claw.
The second film actually has more to do with the source material: Penny and Brain have bigger parts, French Stewart's Gadget is more in-tune with the classic Don Adams characterization, and Claw's face is conveniently obscured in every shot. The premise here is that Gadget is a bumbling oaf, but unlike in the cartoon everyone seems to be aware of it (and with that we lose the crucial premise of the cartoon, THANKS DISNEY), so they try to replace him with a chick in purple, and succeed. This probably should've led to Gadget becoming a drug addict and finally killing himself with a shotgun, but instead Gadget pesters the Purple RoboChick and screws up her missions and whatnot. I think at this point Claw steals a laser and a ruby or something. Well, Claw somehow glues these things together to create a thingy that freezes time for everybody except himself, his henchmen, Gadget, PurpleTron, and the little girl and the dog (note to self: buy glue, rubies, and big laser); then he goes on a KILLING SPREE. Maybe, I don't know, this is where I lost all interest in the movie. So PurpleTronic and Gadget swap microprocessors for some reason and they beat up the bad guys and stop them from stealing some gold (YAY!). Then Gadget and the Purple RoboChick have DIRTY HOT SEX! But not on screen. Cause it's a kids movie. CAN YOU SAY DELETED SCENES?
So, it's hard to review a movie that never had a chance at being good fairly. Adding all the factors against it up, like the fact that it's a Disney movie (much less a LIVE ACTION Disney movie and you know they never put any effort into their non-animated films), it's a straight-to-video sequel (and the only genre that can get away with those are horror films, which aren't expected to be good anyway), the original film sucked (balls, it sucked balls), this movie never had a chance.
I can't say I had a favorite element here, but my least favorite part was a gag right at the end where Gadget splatters a bunch of bubble gum on the road to stop Claw's ice cream truck(?!?!?!?) from getting away. First of all, and I know this is based on cartoon logic so I can't expect it to bear any resemblance to reality, but the physics of using bubble gum to stop a speeding truck are ridiculous at best. Now the truck slipping on a banana peel, that I can see, but bubble gum just doesn't work that way. Secondly, the effect was poorly realised. There's some nasty pink tar on the road and the truck drives right through it, then gets flung back and forth but still on the road the whole time. If the whole thing wasn't IMPOSSIBLE, the truck would be flung up into the air as well as backwards in the initial backsnap and at that point it would probably break off from the gum and smash apart on impact with the ground. Instead the truck ends up right back on the pile of nasty pink tar and when the henchmen get dizzy and stumble out of the ice cream truck, they clearly don't STICK TO THE GUM! THIS ANGERS ME!
So, I think the solution here is to bomb Disney. Both the studio and the various theme parks around the world, including DisneyWorld Orlando. And I encourage you to do just that. But if you plan on bombing the rest of Florida, let me know so I can leave. Please?
I know that sounds a little impossible, but one time a while ago I watched the last half-or-so of this movie on cable (with sound that time) so I'll mostly be going from what I remember. TRUST ME, IT'LL BE AWESOME.
So, if you don't remember (or were lucky enough not to see) the first Inspector Gadget movie, it was a bad blending of Robocop, the Six-Million Dollar Man, and any number of bad superhero movies with just a dash of its classic cartoon namesake. Matthew Broderick stars as a regular cop (IN AN IRREGULAR WORLD) who gets smooshed by something or dies of AIDS or something like that, BASICALLY HE'S DEAD, and some scientist working for the police decides to use him as a guinea pig for a new cyborg police prototype (SEE THE ROBOCOP? IT'S THERE!). So instead of sticking him in a bulky-but-way-cool metal exoskeleton they literally dump a bucket of goofy sight gags in his chest and close him up. So, he wakes up, then they have to train him for some reason to say "Go, Go, Gadget WHATEVER" and there's a nut-crushing scene that's a little out of place in a kiddie movie, then they give him a talking car for some reason and he had a big fight with some guy with a claw.
The second film actually has more to do with the source material: Penny and Brain have bigger parts, French Stewart's Gadget is more in-tune with the classic Don Adams characterization, and Claw's face is conveniently obscured in every shot. The premise here is that Gadget is a bumbling oaf, but unlike in the cartoon everyone seems to be aware of it (and with that we lose the crucial premise of the cartoon, THANKS DISNEY), so they try to replace him with a chick in purple, and succeed. This probably should've led to Gadget becoming a drug addict and finally killing himself with a shotgun, but instead Gadget pesters the Purple RoboChick and screws up her missions and whatnot. I think at this point Claw steals a laser and a ruby or something. Well, Claw somehow glues these things together to create a thingy that freezes time for everybody except himself, his henchmen, Gadget, PurpleTron, and the little girl and the dog (note to self: buy glue, rubies, and big laser); then he goes on a KILLING SPREE. Maybe, I don't know, this is where I lost all interest in the movie. So PurpleTronic and Gadget swap microprocessors for some reason and they beat up the bad guys and stop them from stealing some gold (YAY!). Then Gadget and the Purple RoboChick have DIRTY HOT SEX! But not on screen. Cause it's a kids movie. CAN YOU SAY DELETED SCENES?
So, it's hard to review a movie that never had a chance at being good fairly. Adding all the factors against it up, like the fact that it's a Disney movie (much less a LIVE ACTION Disney movie and you know they never put any effort into their non-animated films), it's a straight-to-video sequel (and the only genre that can get away with those are horror films, which aren't expected to be good anyway), the original film sucked (balls, it sucked balls), this movie never had a chance.
I can't say I had a favorite element here, but my least favorite part was a gag right at the end where Gadget splatters a bunch of bubble gum on the road to stop Claw's ice cream truck(?!?!?!?) from getting away. First of all, and I know this is based on cartoon logic so I can't expect it to bear any resemblance to reality, but the physics of using bubble gum to stop a speeding truck are ridiculous at best. Now the truck slipping on a banana peel, that I can see, but bubble gum just doesn't work that way. Secondly, the effect was poorly realised. There's some nasty pink tar on the road and the truck drives right through it, then gets flung back and forth but still on the road the whole time. If the whole thing wasn't IMPOSSIBLE, the truck would be flung up into the air as well as backwards in the initial backsnap and at that point it would probably break off from the gum and smash apart on impact with the ground. Instead the truck ends up right back on the pile of nasty pink tar and when the henchmen get dizzy and stumble out of the ice cream truck, they clearly don't STICK TO THE GUM! THIS ANGERS ME!
So, I think the solution here is to bomb Disney. Both the studio and the various theme parks around the world, including DisneyWorld Orlando. And I encourage you to do just that. But if you plan on bombing the rest of Florida, let me know so I can leave. Please?
Monday, August 13, 2007
An Infertile Truth
Hey there internet. I've come to you to address a growing concern of mine: THE MASS STERILIZATION OF MANKIND.
By sterilization I mean being rendered unable to have children, not being cleaned, which is already happening pretty regularly in most developed countries (NOT YOU FRANCE). I have noticed a number of trends which together threaten to cause a mass extinction if they are not dealt with soon. Allow me to elaborate:
Historically, people would have babies or they wouldn't. Many babies that were born didn't live very long anyway and birth control was rare and ineffective so most people had ridiculous numbers of children and only a few lived past infancy (which is good because they would have caused undue economic stress on the parents and it would be more likely that the children would have to work in factories or become prostitutes or be sold into slavery just for the parents to make ends meet). All this was normal. In fact there are places where it is still considered normal, but that's another story.
In recent years however, people who for whatever reason have been unable to conceive children (BECAUSE THEY ARE INFERIOR) can go to that unholiest of professionals: the fertility doctor; and have a number of things done that will allow them to defy nature and breed.
These people get to a point in their lives where they want to have a few snot-nosed little shits to screw up psychologically and they start humping like bunnies on Ecstasy, only to pee on sticks and come up negative time after time. Instead of enjoying the constant sex, they get more and more frustrated and secretly start to blame each other for their inability to make babies (thus invalidating probably my favorite euphemism for sex.)
So, instead of just dying alone or adopting one of the many existing children that doesn't have anyone to warp its little mind with years of subtle mental abuse, these people with the malfunctioning wangs and snooches head off to a fertility doctor (by far the least useful doctor ever, because at least plastic surgeons can make burn victims not look like Batman villains). The fertility doctor then figures out what exactly God did to these people (A God reference in the middle of an evolutionarily driven rant? IRONY.) and how he can bypass it to add to the overpopulation problem. He does his magic, but since medicine is about playing the odds, they generally do a bit of overkill figuring the chances that all of the things they did will work are pretty slim, but occasionally several of them work and instead of having just one little piece of shit running around the poor sterile bastards end up with two or three or four or seventeen of the shit-machines to deal with.
So, how exactly does this threaten to cause a mass extinction? Besides the aforementioned overpopulation thing, and also the fact that most of these people are dumber that dirt and probably shouldn't be spreading their crappy genes around anyway (but that applies to most people in general); there is a serious evolutionary imperative to keep these infertile people's genes from being propagated.
As all non-idiots know (I'M TALKING BOUT YOU, CREATIONISTS), evolution works over generations as genes which are helpful are spread around and genes which are harmful are squashed. The concept of Survival of the Fittest as it is thought of today is not quite accurate to the evolutionary process, as the better genes aren't necessarily the ones which are propagated. Genes which help an organism create more offspring (whether directly or indirectly (for example by sterilizing them and forcing them to use fertility drugs and end up with several babies instead of one (I STILL LOVE COMPOUND PARENTHETICAL CLAUSES))) will inevitably be favored even if they aren't actually helpful to the original organism.
So here's the tricky bit: many fertility problems are indicated by faulty genes, these faulty genes have a 50/50 chance of being passed on to each individual offspring (a human's genetic code is half from its mother and half from its father) and the chances of faulty reproduction genes being passed on is even higher if both parents have a baby-making problem, and multiple births means more kids to spread the bad genes around (and possibly having fertility problems themselves, thus feeding the process again).
So the more this happens the more people walking around will be infertile; and because the fertility drugs sometimes cause multiple births, over time the fertility drug births could begin to outnumber drug-free births, repeat this process over the generations and eventually we have virtually an entire populace unable to conceive naturally and entirely dependent on fertility drugs to continue the species.
Compounded in all this is that this new race of sterile humans will all be descendants of the morons who were so desperate to have little versions of themselves running around that they spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments.
THIS IS NOT A WORLD I WISH TO SEE COME TO PASS.
So what can we do, dear internet? How can we stop the mass sterilization of mankind? Simple: KILL THE INFERTILE. They're already taking up space, and they have nothing to contribute to the gene pool (except their aforementioned nasty malfunctioning reproductive genes), so let's just kill 'em all.
Or, a slightly less genocidal solution: outlaw fertility doctors. JUST ADOPT A KID, DAMNIT. There's plenty out there, and they'll be just as annoying as any little ankle-biter you squeeze out yourself, stupid infertile people. Or just don't bother with kids, that way you can continue to ignore global warming and deforestation and all those problems that you'd normally be afraid of passing down to your kids and just assume you'll die before they become too big to continue ignoring and just have constant sex in the intervening time. I'm sure that will be more satisfying than having a living monument to your failures as a human being walking around blaming you for all its problems (which you probably caused most of them).
By sterilization I mean being rendered unable to have children, not being cleaned, which is already happening pretty regularly in most developed countries (NOT YOU FRANCE). I have noticed a number of trends which together threaten to cause a mass extinction if they are not dealt with soon. Allow me to elaborate:
Historically, people would have babies or they wouldn't. Many babies that were born didn't live very long anyway and birth control was rare and ineffective so most people had ridiculous numbers of children and only a few lived past infancy (which is good because they would have caused undue economic stress on the parents and it would be more likely that the children would have to work in factories or become prostitutes or be sold into slavery just for the parents to make ends meet). All this was normal. In fact there are places where it is still considered normal, but that's another story.
In recent years however, people who for whatever reason have been unable to conceive children (BECAUSE THEY ARE INFERIOR) can go to that unholiest of professionals: the fertility doctor; and have a number of things done that will allow them to defy nature and breed.
These people get to a point in their lives where they want to have a few snot-nosed little shits to screw up psychologically and they start humping like bunnies on Ecstasy, only to pee on sticks and come up negative time after time. Instead of enjoying the constant sex, they get more and more frustrated and secretly start to blame each other for their inability to make babies (thus invalidating probably my favorite euphemism for sex.)
So, instead of just dying alone or adopting one of the many existing children that doesn't have anyone to warp its little mind with years of subtle mental abuse, these people with the malfunctioning wangs and snooches head off to a fertility doctor (by far the least useful doctor ever, because at least plastic surgeons can make burn victims not look like Batman villains). The fertility doctor then figures out what exactly God did to these people (A God reference in the middle of an evolutionarily driven rant? IRONY.) and how he can bypass it to add to the overpopulation problem. He does his magic, but since medicine is about playing the odds, they generally do a bit of overkill figuring the chances that all of the things they did will work are pretty slim, but occasionally several of them work and instead of having just one little piece of shit running around the poor sterile bastards end up with two or three or four or seventeen of the shit-machines to deal with.
So, how exactly does this threaten to cause a mass extinction? Besides the aforementioned overpopulation thing, and also the fact that most of these people are dumber that dirt and probably shouldn't be spreading their crappy genes around anyway (but that applies to most people in general); there is a serious evolutionary imperative to keep these infertile people's genes from being propagated.
As all non-idiots know (I'M TALKING BOUT YOU, CREATIONISTS), evolution works over generations as genes which are helpful are spread around and genes which are harmful are squashed. The concept of Survival of the Fittest as it is thought of today is not quite accurate to the evolutionary process, as the better genes aren't necessarily the ones which are propagated. Genes which help an organism create more offspring (whether directly or indirectly (for example by sterilizing them and forcing them to use fertility drugs and end up with several babies instead of one (I STILL LOVE COMPOUND PARENTHETICAL CLAUSES))) will inevitably be favored even if they aren't actually helpful to the original organism.
So here's the tricky bit: many fertility problems are indicated by faulty genes, these faulty genes have a 50/50 chance of being passed on to each individual offspring (a human's genetic code is half from its mother and half from its father) and the chances of faulty reproduction genes being passed on is even higher if both parents have a baby-making problem, and multiple births means more kids to spread the bad genes around (and possibly having fertility problems themselves, thus feeding the process again).
So the more this happens the more people walking around will be infertile; and because the fertility drugs sometimes cause multiple births, over time the fertility drug births could begin to outnumber drug-free births, repeat this process over the generations and eventually we have virtually an entire populace unable to conceive naturally and entirely dependent on fertility drugs to continue the species.
Compounded in all this is that this new race of sterile humans will all be descendants of the morons who were so desperate to have little versions of themselves running around that they spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments.
THIS IS NOT A WORLD I WISH TO SEE COME TO PASS.
So what can we do, dear internet? How can we stop the mass sterilization of mankind? Simple: KILL THE INFERTILE. They're already taking up space, and they have nothing to contribute to the gene pool (except their aforementioned nasty malfunctioning reproductive genes), so let's just kill 'em all.
Or, a slightly less genocidal solution: outlaw fertility doctors. JUST ADOPT A KID, DAMNIT. There's plenty out there, and they'll be just as annoying as any little ankle-biter you squeeze out yourself, stupid infertile people. Or just don't bother with kids, that way you can continue to ignore global warming and deforestation and all those problems that you'd normally be afraid of passing down to your kids and just assume you'll die before they become too big to continue ignoring and just have constant sex in the intervening time. I'm sure that will be more satisfying than having a living monument to your failures as a human being walking around blaming you for all its problems (which you probably caused most of them).
Friday, August 10, 2007
Stray Thoughts
(Some of these are from my old blog which no longer exists and from some posts on a message board which also no longer exists. LAZY.)
==============================
There's a commercial I keep seeing with some radio chick who spells her name J-A-Y-D-E. Every time I see the commercial I can't stop thinking that people who intentionally misspell their own names are essentially telling everyone who reads their name "Hello, I'm a moron!" This saves time for those of us who are not morons, as when we meet one of these people and find that his/her name is spelt in such an asinine way we can immediately tell this person is not someone worth talking to and we need not waste another second picking his/her brain.
==============================
The word spelt is not in the Firefox spell-checker dictionary. IT'S A WORD, DAMNIT. NEITHER IS DAMNIT, A CONTRACTION OF DAMN AND IT AND NOT TO BE PRONOUNCED PHONETICALLY NOR SPELT PHONETICALLY AS DAMMIT! I ASSURE YOU I AM CORRECT IN THIS REGARD!!!
==============================
You know what bugs me? Commercials with the premise: "You're stupid for not buying this product."
I'm fine with cable, I don't want satellite.
WELL THEN YOU'RE STUPID!
No I'm not!
YES, YOU'RE STUPID FOR NOT ORDERING DISH NETWORK NOW!
Shut up!
ALL YOUR NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS HAVE DISH NETWORK, AND THEY ALL HATE YOU AND THINK YOU SMELL BECAUSE YOU HAVE CABLE!
I'm gonna cry!
==============================
Here's another ridiculous premise for a commercial: trust the deep-voiced black man.
DAMN, BABY. YOU NEED TO GET ALLSTATE INSURANCE.
Oh my, you are black and have a sexy deep voice. Clearly you wouldn't lie to me about insurance.
YEAH, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY ABOUT THE INSURANCE, YOU'LL BUY IT ANYWAY BECAUSE OF MY SEXY DEEP VOICE. NOW GIVE ME SOME LOVIN', HONEY CHILE.
==============================
Here's another commercial premise I loathe:
YOU'VE SEEN THIS COMMERCIAL A THOUSAND TIMES, SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU BOUGHT THE PRODUCT?
MAYBE YOU'RE BLINKING, DON'T BLINK. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE HYPNOTIZED BY THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES, YOU NEED TO STARE DIRECTLY AT THE TV AND YOU SHOULDN'T BLINK.
IF YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT OUR PRODUCT BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MONEY, WHY NOT GO OUT AND ROB SOMEBODY?
WHY NOT SELL SOMETHING? DO YOU REALLY NEED THIS TV?
==============================
The other day my internet connection stopped working right in the middle of a post and didn't come back on again. Having nothing else to do, I sat around and played guitar and kazoo, periodically checking to see if it had fixed itself, then I finally got hungry and walked to a convenience store to get some snacks. Well, wouldn't you know, when I got back, the modem was firing on all cylinders once again. My theory is that I had to leave so that the Magical Modem Elves could come out of hiding and fix my internet connection without being seen by human eyes.
==============================
Why is it the word internet isn't included in the Firefox spell-checker dictionary? For that matter, why is the word Firefox not included in the Firefox spell-checker dictionary? IS IT JUST ME?!?!?
==============================
I went to go see a great movie called Sunshine today that as of tomorrow will have been out for two weeks in my area and will no longer be playing in any theaters near me. WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE MOVIE INDUSTRY?!?!?!?
That's it, I'm killing Michael Bay. NOBODY BETTER TRY AND STOP ME! I MEAN IT MICHAEL! I'M COMING FOR YA! AT THE VERY LEAST EXPECT AN OPEN LETTER WITH NOT VERY NICE THINGS IN IT!
==============================
Seriously, though, if just a few movie snobs band together to stop Michael Bay, we could do the world a service. Then we could go get a bunch of other bad filmmakers and studio executives (I say we start with the suits and if the problem isn't fixed with their deaths, we then move on to the filmmakers themselves) AND CHANGE THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER!!
==============================
There's a commercial I keep seeing with some radio chick who spells her name J-A-Y-D-E. Every time I see the commercial I can't stop thinking that people who intentionally misspell their own names are essentially telling everyone who reads their name "Hello, I'm a moron!" This saves time for those of us who are not morons, as when we meet one of these people and find that his/her name is spelt in such an asinine way we can immediately tell this person is not someone worth talking to and we need not waste another second picking his/her brain.
==============================
The word spelt is not in the Firefox spell-checker dictionary. IT'S A WORD, DAMNIT. NEITHER IS DAMNIT, A CONTRACTION OF DAMN AND IT AND NOT TO BE PRONOUNCED PHONETICALLY NOR SPELT PHONETICALLY AS DAMMIT! I ASSURE YOU I AM CORRECT IN THIS REGARD!!!
==============================
You know what bugs me? Commercials with the premise: "You're stupid for not buying this product."
I'm fine with cable, I don't want satellite.
WELL THEN YOU'RE STUPID!
No I'm not!
YES, YOU'RE STUPID FOR NOT ORDERING DISH NETWORK NOW!
Shut up!
ALL YOUR NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS HAVE DISH NETWORK, AND THEY ALL HATE YOU AND THINK YOU SMELL BECAUSE YOU HAVE CABLE!
I'm gonna cry!
==============================
Here's another ridiculous premise for a commercial: trust the deep-voiced black man.
DAMN, BABY. YOU NEED TO GET ALLSTATE INSURANCE.
Oh my, you are black and have a sexy deep voice. Clearly you wouldn't lie to me about insurance.
YEAH, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY ABOUT THE INSURANCE, YOU'LL BUY IT ANYWAY BECAUSE OF MY SEXY DEEP VOICE. NOW GIVE ME SOME LOVIN', HONEY CHILE.
==============================
Here's another commercial premise I loathe:
YOU'VE SEEN THIS COMMERCIAL A THOUSAND TIMES, SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU BOUGHT THE PRODUCT?
MAYBE YOU'RE BLINKING, DON'T BLINK. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE HYPNOTIZED BY THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES, YOU NEED TO STARE DIRECTLY AT THE TV AND YOU SHOULDN'T BLINK.
IF YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT OUR PRODUCT BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MONEY, WHY NOT GO OUT AND ROB SOMEBODY?
WHY NOT SELL SOMETHING? DO YOU REALLY NEED THIS TV?
==============================
The other day my internet connection stopped working right in the middle of a post and didn't come back on again. Having nothing else to do, I sat around and played guitar and kazoo, periodically checking to see if it had fixed itself, then I finally got hungry and walked to a convenience store to get some snacks. Well, wouldn't you know, when I got back, the modem was firing on all cylinders once again. My theory is that I had to leave so that the Magical Modem Elves could come out of hiding and fix my internet connection without being seen by human eyes.
==============================
Why is it the word internet isn't included in the Firefox spell-checker dictionary? For that matter, why is the word Firefox not included in the Firefox spell-checker dictionary? IS IT JUST ME?!?!?
==============================
I went to go see a great movie called Sunshine today that as of tomorrow will have been out for two weeks in my area and will no longer be playing in any theaters near me. WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE MOVIE INDUSTRY?!?!?!?
That's it, I'm killing Michael Bay. NOBODY BETTER TRY AND STOP ME! I MEAN IT MICHAEL! I'M COMING FOR YA! AT THE VERY LEAST EXPECT AN OPEN LETTER WITH NOT VERY NICE THINGS IN IT!
==============================
Seriously, though, if just a few movie snobs band together to stop Michael Bay, we could do the world a service. Then we could go get a bunch of other bad filmmakers and studio executives (I say we start with the suits and if the problem isn't fixed with their deaths, we then move on to the filmmakers themselves) AND CHANGE THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER!!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Poorly Thought Out Recipe
World's Ugliest Homemade Individual Pizza
Ingredients:
1. Set dough out.
2. Get impatient and try to flatten it into a crust shape before it has completely thawed.
3. Give up on getting it into reasonable shape and consistency.
4. Stick it into toaster oven on whatever temperature it was already set on.
5. Set other ingredients out while you wait a few minutes in vain for the crust to soften enough for you to get it into shape.
6. Get impatient again and pull the fucking thing out of the toaster oven.
7. Squeeze sauce on and spread it with spoon.
8. Dump some cheese on that bitch.
9. Arrange some pepperoni quickly because you left the toaster oven on and something is smoking.
10. Stick the ugly thing you've made back in the toaster oven.
11. Cook for however long you feel like.
12. Take the bastard out when the pepperoni is crispy and the cheese is damn near brown.
13. Put it on a plate and wait for it to cool (take a picture cause that bitch is ugly...seriously though if you take a picture send it to me, I WANT A GALLERY OF UGLY PIZZA).
14. If you are brave, eat it.
15. Go to the hospital, you probably just gave yourself a tapeworm.
Results:
Okay, so for seriously, this wasn't that bad. It tasted better than some frozen pizzas I've had in the past. But time will tell if I gave myself a tapeworm or some other sort of parasites or whatnot.
Ingredients:
- 10-15 Frozen Dinner Roll Dough Pieces that have been in the freezer for months and which are nearly two months past their "Best By" date
- Two squeezes of pizza sauce (from pouch)
- Random amount of mozzarella cheese that doesn't quite cover the sauce
- Some pepperoni
1. Set dough out.
2. Get impatient and try to flatten it into a crust shape before it has completely thawed.
3. Give up on getting it into reasonable shape and consistency.
4. Stick it into toaster oven on whatever temperature it was already set on.
5. Set other ingredients out while you wait a few minutes in vain for the crust to soften enough for you to get it into shape.
6. Get impatient again and pull the fucking thing out of the toaster oven.
7. Squeeze sauce on and spread it with spoon.
8. Dump some cheese on that bitch.
9. Arrange some pepperoni quickly because you left the toaster oven on and something is smoking.
10. Stick the ugly thing you've made back in the toaster oven.
11. Cook for however long you feel like.
12. Take the bastard out when the pepperoni is crispy and the cheese is damn near brown.
13. Put it on a plate and wait for it to cool (take a picture cause that bitch is ugly...seriously though if you take a picture send it to me, I WANT A GALLERY OF UGLY PIZZA).
14. If you are brave, eat it.
15. Go to the hospital, you probably just gave yourself a tapeworm.
Results:
Okay, so for seriously, this wasn't that bad. It tasted better than some frozen pizzas I've had in the past. But time will tell if I gave myself a tapeworm or some other sort of parasites or whatnot.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Crappy Movie Review: Kickboxer 4
Today I will review Kickboxer 4!
I started watching this film on a UHF station at least halfway through its runtime. It's your standard martial arts tournament/international intrigue film, lots of shirtless guys beating the shit out of one another intercut with a little ninja infiltration and I think there was some sex, but of course since I watched it on TV the sex was edited out (CURSE YOUR HATRED OF NIPPLES, FCC).
As far as I can tell it's about two brothers or something who are agents with two different government agencies. One brother's wife has been kidnapped by some kind of drug lord or something who I think must be Thai. I call this man Bitchy Von Widower, because it is revealed at some point that he's pissed over the fact that a DEA raid on his house resulted in his wife being killed (also because I like to give people insulting nicknames). So, Bitchy Von Widower is (for reasons they may or may not have outlined in the parts I missed) holding a fighting tournament and the brothers enter the tournament to get inside his compound and rescue the one brother's wife (AND ALSO TO FIGHT WHILE NOT WEARING A SHIRT BECAUSE SHIRTS GET IN THE WAY OF MAN MUSCLES WHILE FIGHTING OTHER SWEATY MEN). So presumably a bunch of things happened, and then when I tuned in one of the brothers was befriending another fighter in the tournament who I have dubbed The Little Girl Fighter because she is a girl who looks about 17 but who is also a fighter. He was teaching her to take advantage of her ability to be a short puny little pixie in a fight, though I don't think what he showed her would help her anymore than the age-old female-on-male fighting technique of the nut-punch. There's a lot of guys beating on guys and some girls beating on guys and WAY TOO MANY MULLETS, and then Bitchy Von Widower finds out the brothers are government agents and there's some good old fashioned tied-to-a-chair torture. Then in the last sequence the brothers are pitted against all the other fighters who have orders to kill the brothers, then LGF manages to rally the last of the fighters together against Bitchy and there's a couple of flying jumpkicks and the brothers save the day! ROLL CREDITS!
So, I found the ninja stuff pretty lame (one scene had the ninja fighting alongside an indoor swimming pool with one of those long nets you use to clean pools) and frankly couldn't understand why whichever brother it was who was ninja'ng didn't just sneak in and grab the wife while he had the chance instead of running off as soon as the alarm sounded, I mean he was RIGHT THERE LOOKING INTO THE CELL! In fact pretty much all the non-fighting scenes were pretty pointless and I could've done without the subplot. The fighting, on the other hand, was pretty badass. Each match was REALLY SHORT, essentially two guys would jump up and walk to the center of a square courtyard, then usually one would beat the shit out of the other and knock him out or sit on his head long enough to win. There was a lot of arm breaking and more than a few good nut-punches. One match I really liked had a guy get smacked down to the ground on his face with one leg up in the air and the other guy proceeded to punch him hard in the nuts several times. The sound effects during these scenes were very overdone to emphasize the awesome and distract from the mullets (SO MANY MULLETS (AND MAN-NIPPLES)).
The actress portraying Little Girl Fighter was particularly bad and not all that impressive in the fighting scenes, either. Normally you expect actors in martial arts movies to be really bad at acting and really good at fighting, and even satisfactory fighting is enough to be a secondary character, but LGF had a big speech at the end and her lack of acting ability made it pretty hard to listen to. Still, she fought in a tube top and so she's got that going for her. YEAH.
By far my favorite character in the film was a fighter I like to call Purple Man. I call him this because he wears a sleeveless karate gi that is purple. Purple Man has a goatee and a pony-tail and has a funny way of fighting that I think with a little tweaking could easily become the official martial art of homosexuals. He is very sneaky, and fights rather dirtily. The first fight I saw with Purple Man had him up against a girl in a black gi. He smacked her around rather thoroughly and then pinned her down with her face on the hard ring floor and Purple Man sitting on her shoulders. Purple Man then proceeded to bash her face into the ring repeatedly until it wasn't even funny anymore (well, it was a little funny, cause COME ON! IT'S PURPLE MAN!). Later on in the film Purple Man was the first to attempt to kill one of the brothers in a fight after he was offered some great sum of money. He lost rather pathetically and from that point on, as the film escalated and the remaining fighters began to side against Bitchy Von Widower, Purple Man sided against the brothers and so he was repeatedly shamed until finally being knocked out with one smack from LGF. The film would've been much better if it had been entirely about Purple Man. I liked Purple Man so much I wrote a theme song for him. It's actually just the Underdog theme with almost every word replaced with Purple. Here's a snippet:
Purple Man!
Purple Man!
Purple Man!
Purple Man!
Speed of Purple!
Roar of Purple!
Purple Man is
Really Purple!
Purple Man...woah oh oh PURPLE MAN!
Okay, so that's the whole song. I'm probably going to record it sometime. IT'LL BE AWESOME.
To conclude, this is a good movie to watch if you want to see tons of shirtless guys beating the living shit out of each other. This is a bad movie to watch if you have an aversion to nut-punching, mullets, purple, obtrusive subplots, or pool cleaning ninjas. On the other hand, if you love nut-punching as much as I do, THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU!
I started watching this film on a UHF station at least halfway through its runtime. It's your standard martial arts tournament/international intrigue film, lots of shirtless guys beating the shit out of one another intercut with a little ninja infiltration and I think there was some sex, but of course since I watched it on TV the sex was edited out (CURSE YOUR HATRED OF NIPPLES, FCC).
As far as I can tell it's about two brothers or something who are agents with two different government agencies. One brother's wife has been kidnapped by some kind of drug lord or something who I think must be Thai. I call this man Bitchy Von Widower, because it is revealed at some point that he's pissed over the fact that a DEA raid on his house resulted in his wife being killed (also because I like to give people insulting nicknames). So, Bitchy Von Widower is (for reasons they may or may not have outlined in the parts I missed) holding a fighting tournament and the brothers enter the tournament to get inside his compound and rescue the one brother's wife (AND ALSO TO FIGHT WHILE NOT WEARING A SHIRT BECAUSE SHIRTS GET IN THE WAY OF MAN MUSCLES WHILE FIGHTING OTHER SWEATY MEN). So presumably a bunch of things happened, and then when I tuned in one of the brothers was befriending another fighter in the tournament who I have dubbed The Little Girl Fighter because she is a girl who looks about 17 but who is also a fighter. He was teaching her to take advantage of her ability to be a short puny little pixie in a fight, though I don't think what he showed her would help her anymore than the age-old female-on-male fighting technique of the nut-punch. There's a lot of guys beating on guys and some girls beating on guys and WAY TOO MANY MULLETS, and then Bitchy Von Widower finds out the brothers are government agents and there's some good old fashioned tied-to-a-chair torture. Then in the last sequence the brothers are pitted against all the other fighters who have orders to kill the brothers, then LGF manages to rally the last of the fighters together against Bitchy and there's a couple of flying jumpkicks and the brothers save the day! ROLL CREDITS!
So, I found the ninja stuff pretty lame (one scene had the ninja fighting alongside an indoor swimming pool with one of those long nets you use to clean pools) and frankly couldn't understand why whichever brother it was who was ninja'ng didn't just sneak in and grab the wife while he had the chance instead of running off as soon as the alarm sounded, I mean he was RIGHT THERE LOOKING INTO THE CELL! In fact pretty much all the non-fighting scenes were pretty pointless and I could've done without the subplot. The fighting, on the other hand, was pretty badass. Each match was REALLY SHORT, essentially two guys would jump up and walk to the center of a square courtyard, then usually one would beat the shit out of the other and knock him out or sit on his head long enough to win. There was a lot of arm breaking and more than a few good nut-punches. One match I really liked had a guy get smacked down to the ground on his face with one leg up in the air and the other guy proceeded to punch him hard in the nuts several times. The sound effects during these scenes were very overdone to emphasize the awesome and distract from the mullets (SO MANY MULLETS (AND MAN-NIPPLES)).
The actress portraying Little Girl Fighter was particularly bad and not all that impressive in the fighting scenes, either. Normally you expect actors in martial arts movies to be really bad at acting and really good at fighting, and even satisfactory fighting is enough to be a secondary character, but LGF had a big speech at the end and her lack of acting ability made it pretty hard to listen to. Still, she fought in a tube top and so she's got that going for her. YEAH.
By far my favorite character in the film was a fighter I like to call Purple Man. I call him this because he wears a sleeveless karate gi that is purple. Purple Man has a goatee and a pony-tail and has a funny way of fighting that I think with a little tweaking could easily become the official martial art of homosexuals. He is very sneaky, and fights rather dirtily. The first fight I saw with Purple Man had him up against a girl in a black gi. He smacked her around rather thoroughly and then pinned her down with her face on the hard ring floor and Purple Man sitting on her shoulders. Purple Man then proceeded to bash her face into the ring repeatedly until it wasn't even funny anymore (well, it was a little funny, cause COME ON! IT'S PURPLE MAN!). Later on in the film Purple Man was the first to attempt to kill one of the brothers in a fight after he was offered some great sum of money. He lost rather pathetically and from that point on, as the film escalated and the remaining fighters began to side against Bitchy Von Widower, Purple Man sided against the brothers and so he was repeatedly shamed until finally being knocked out with one smack from LGF. The film would've been much better if it had been entirely about Purple Man. I liked Purple Man so much I wrote a theme song for him. It's actually just the Underdog theme with almost every word replaced with Purple. Here's a snippet:
Purple Man!
Purple Man!
Purple Man!
Purple Man!
Speed of Purple!
Roar of Purple!
Purple Man is
Really Purple!
Purple Man...woah oh oh PURPLE MAN!
Okay, so that's the whole song. I'm probably going to record it sometime. IT'LL BE AWESOME.
To conclude, this is a good movie to watch if you want to see tons of shirtless guys beating the living shit out of each other. This is a bad movie to watch if you have an aversion to nut-punching, mullets, purple, obtrusive subplots, or pool cleaning ninjas. On the other hand, if you love nut-punching as much as I do, THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU!
Friday, August 03, 2007
An Open Letter to 50 Cent
Mr. Cent:
Your music is so bad, other rappers look worse for sharing a genre with you. You and your brand of overblown bling-heavy/substance-light gangsta bullshit rap are to hip-hop as 80's Hair Metal was to rock and roll. Your music (and its suckiness (and your subsequent success(in blatant contrast to your suckiness))) is indicative of a larger trend in music away from interesting and meaningful and towards showy and douchy (DOUCHY IS NOW A WORD, BECAUSE OF YOU MR. CENT).
Not only is this a musical trend, and it is, because every time I turn on rock radio I hear some doofus whining or screaming about a bad breakup with another doofus playing something that's supposed to impress me on his flashy guitar, but society in general appears to have gone in the general direction of suck. Reality television continues to dominate, all my favorite shows are getting cancelled, people are getting to be fatter than me yet paradoxically are even less sympathetic to the weight problems of others, and JJ Abrams (creator of TV's Lost, the show which people will soon tire of!) is rebooting Star Trek.
In light of the overall pattern, Mr. Cent, I have decided to blame all these things on you. You and you alone will now bear the brunt of the blame for our cultural decay, and I think I'll also blame you for all the problems in my personal life, and I'll direct friends and acquaintances and readers to do the same. You are the scapegoat now, Fitty, you're the reason people weren't nice to me in high school and YOU'LL PAY.
Somebody Should Shoot You And Make It Stick This Time,
the Great Joe Bivins
Your music is so bad, other rappers look worse for sharing a genre with you. You and your brand of overblown bling-heavy/substance-light gangsta bullshit rap are to hip-hop as 80's Hair Metal was to rock and roll. Your music (and its suckiness (and your subsequent success(in blatant contrast to your suckiness))) is indicative of a larger trend in music away from interesting and meaningful and towards showy and douchy (DOUCHY IS NOW A WORD, BECAUSE OF YOU MR. CENT).
Not only is this a musical trend, and it is, because every time I turn on rock radio I hear some doofus whining or screaming about a bad breakup with another doofus playing something that's supposed to impress me on his flashy guitar, but society in general appears to have gone in the general direction of suck. Reality television continues to dominate, all my favorite shows are getting cancelled, people are getting to be fatter than me yet paradoxically are even less sympathetic to the weight problems of others, and JJ Abrams (creator of TV's Lost, the show which people will soon tire of!) is rebooting Star Trek.
In light of the overall pattern, Mr. Cent, I have decided to blame all these things on you. You and you alone will now bear the brunt of the blame for our cultural decay, and I think I'll also blame you for all the problems in my personal life, and I'll direct friends and acquaintances and readers to do the same. You are the scapegoat now, Fitty, you're the reason people weren't nice to me in high school and YOU'LL PAY.
Somebody Should Shoot You And Make It Stick This Time,
the Great Joe Bivins
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