Comic: Torando Halloween Special!

Torando became a Christian in the Easter Special, now he proves he's more annoying than ever by protesting my favorite holiday!


Driven by my guilt over the delays in completing the next page of HAIC (I hope to have the next page up this week and hopefully the last page can go up a few days later), I decided to do a Halloween Special for Torando while I was stuck sitting at a desk with nothing to do for about an hour. I wish I had the extra time to crank out a Halloween special for my other main comics as well but I really don't. That's not true, I have the time, I just don't have the energy.

I also had a great idea for a movie today, and that's on top of the great idea I had for a movie last week. I AM A CREATIVE DYNAMO.

Song: Sty

Here's a song I've just recorded. It is drastically different in tone from the other songs I have posted around the internet. It is in fact the first song I've recorded from a new series of songs that are all mostly really depressing because I am in fact really depressed. BUT I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING PITY. Anyway, despite the fact that they are depressing all these songs kick fucking ass and I'm very proud of them. I'm sure I'll start demoing more of them soon (especially since this particular one is a part of a mini-concept album I'm working on and once I finish writing the last couple songs for it I'd like to record them all).

I HAVE OFFICIALLY RUN OUT OF IDEAS

I have officially run out of ideas for this fucking thing. Well, it's not exactly official, but I'm just not feeling inspired. However, I will be pretending to make a movie about this very issue! Here is what a trailer for the movie would be like:

COMING THIS SUMMER...

ONE MAN,

ONE BLOG,

ONE MISSION...

I have to come up with an idea for the blog! If I don't post something soon the two people who read it will get annoyed!

HE WAS AN UNEMPLOYED SHUT-IN WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO...BUT PROCRASTINATION IS A HARD HABIT TO KICK!

WHY AM I NOT WRITING SOMETHING?!?! This Moonlight show isn't even that good! Plus vampire detective shows have been done to death several times already! But I do like that Sophia Myles.

HE NEEDED AN IDEA...BUT TO GET AN IDEA, HE NEEDED A PLAN...

I need a plan! Wait, fuck that shit, M*A*S*H is on.

BUT WHEN THE CLASSIC TV RERUNS END, THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!

That Sarah Silverman is too god damn funny. She must have a pact with the Devil. I wonder how you go about getting one of those...

OR MAYBE IT BEGINS AFTER YOU GOOGLE "+"SATANIC RITUALS" +"HOW TO""...

It's not worth killing a goat. Anyway, where would I get a goat?

PERHAPS A LOCAL PETTING ZOO?

But then how would I get to the petting zoo? I HAVE NO CAR!

THAT'S TRUE.

You can't take a goat on the bus. Especially if you plan to sacrifice it to the lord of the underworld.

BUS-TYPE PEOPLE DO NOT TAKE KINDLY TO SACRIFICIN' NO GOATS.

That they do not.

NOPE.

I wonder if the World Series is displacing House this week. I fucking hate sports.

IN A WORLD WHERE THE WORLD SERIES PRE-EMPTS ALL THE STUFF YOU USUALLY WATCH ON TUESDAY NIGHTS.

Not to mention those huge fucking fires in California pre-empted Boston Legal last week. Shatner kicks fucking ass.

AND SHATNER KICKS FUCKING ASS.

How many F-Bombs is that? I don't curse nearly enough here, fucking cunting god shitting ass damnit.

THAT WAS SOME DAMN ASS DICKY FINE CURSING.

I have my moments.

IN A DICKING SHIT-COCKING MONKEY-RAPING BANANA-SUCKING ASS HELLING DAMN WORLD WHERE SHIT HAPPENS...

NICE.

ONE MAN STANDS ALONE.

Get the fuck out of here. I STAND ALONE BITCH.

THE GREAT JOE BIVINS STARS AS HIMSELF IN THE MOTION PICTURE EVENT OF THE GEOLOGICAL ERA.

That's like millions of years or something. I don't really remember; last time I had any Earth Science was middle school.

UNPOPULAR BLOG: THE JOSEPH BIVINS STORY

BASED ON ACTUAL INTERNET EVENTS

RATED R FOR EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AGAINST GOATS AND FULL-FRONTAL NUDITY (NOT JOE).

When I next have a while to screw around with something I'm going to make an actual trailer for that fake movie and put it on YouTube. THIS I SWEAR.

New T-Shirts and a Plea for More Sales of Old T-Shirts

TWO! TWO NEW T-SHIRTS IN MY CAFEPRESS STORE!

Check out the new nonsensical Banana Tee I have created! It bears a slogan that is what you should say if you are attacked and happen to be carrying fresh fruit!

Then be witness to the greatest thing in history (soon to be supplanted by the next thing I do): COMPUTER VIRUS TEE! It reminds people to practice safer sex techniques when having intercourse with computers and computer peripherals!

While you're there, why not check out the now classic (nearly zero shirts sold!) SPACE MADNESS TEE and the even more classic Joe's Hand, Electric Penguin Impersonator, and Torando! shirts!

I DEMAND SOMEONE BUYS A TEE SHIRT! I HAVE SOLD EXACTLY ONE AND I WOULD LIKE TO SELL ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY COLLECT MY MONEY FOR THE ONE! ALSO I WANT YOUR MONEY! ALSO I WANT PEOPLE WALKING AROUND WITH THESE SHIRTS! I KNOW SOMEONE BOUGHT ONE BUT THERE'S VERY LITTLE CHANCE I'LL MEET THAT PERSON!

Crappy Movie Review: The Neverending Story Part III

WARNING: WATCHING MOVIES REVIEWED ON THIS BLOG MAY RESULT IN INJURY OR DEATH. THE GREAT JOE BIVINS IS A PROFESSIONAL MOVIE WATCHER AND HAS TAKEN ALL POSSIBLE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS TO BRING YOU THIS REVIEW. NO GOOD CAN COME FROM WATCHING THESE MOVIES YOURSELF. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

Oh my.

I knew this was coming. And yet I had not, nay, COULD NOT HAVE, prepared for it.

The Neverending Story III co-starring JACK BLACK. PERHAPS THE WORST STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO SEQUEL IN HISTORY.

I've always been a fan of the first Neverending Story movie and I've always been mesmerized by the insanity of Neverending Story II, and this movie makes Neverending Story II look like Citizen Kane.

So in the first two films, the magical book-within-the-film the Neverending Story is the (GASP!) never-ending story of a magical land of imagination called Fantasia (presumably legally distinct from the Disney property of the same name) which in the first film is being threatened by the Nothing (capitalized to distinguish it from plain-old nothing). Whiny young Bastian, still raw about the death of his mother, reads the Neverending Story and has nothing to do with the actual plot up until the very end where he provides a name for the empress of Fantasia (which he shouts indistinctly in a tiny boy voice) and apparently this saves the whole damn imaginary place! Then in the second film Fantasia is once again threatened by the Empty (as opposed to just empty) and Bastian (new movie, new actor) has to actually GO THERE to save it. He fights a chicken-man and has a vaguely homoerotic relationship with warrior Atreyu before finally saving the day once again. He then goes back to the real world where he is an even whinier wimp.

So Bastian (third new movie, third new actor) finds the Neverending Story in his new school's library (along with a new actor playing the crazy weirdo who always gives him the book) and there's a disorienting flashback explaining that he has moved to a new town because his dad is shacking up with a new lady-friend and he has a new step-sister, Nicole. Nicole tells Bastian he looks like a retard (paraphrasing) and to prove he can look like a SUPER-RETARD he puts a whole tub of gel in his hair. Then he goes to school and the villainous Nasties are introduced, led by the infamous Jack Black (TENACIOUS D ROCKS MY SOCKS)! Jack is clearly ten to fifteen years older than every kid in the school (casually explained as the Nasties having repeated the twelfth grade a lot (which is impossible)). The Nasties all wear leather jackets and look like they came straight out of Grease. The Nasties gang-rape Bastian. It is graphic and horrible. However the school janitor intervenes giving Bastian enough time to run to the school's library. The flashback ends as the movie folds in on itself and the flashback catches up to when Bastian finds the book. Then Bastian sits down with the book and trips on acid, thus allowing himself to be transported to the MAGICAL LAND OF FANTASIA WHERE EVERYONE'S FAVORITE WACKY TOYETIC CREATURES ARE PLAYED BY COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ACTORS OR WITH TOTALLY DIFFERENT PUPPETS/SPECIAL EFFECTS!!

But back in the real world Jack and his mentally handicapped gang are trying to figure out where the fuck Bastian went to so they can kill him in cold blood (thus preventing him from testifying in their trial for Aggravated Rape). The Nasties discover the book and begin to read it, turning over a new leaf and deciding to be good little boys and girls after all. But not really.

Back in Fantasia Bastian is hanging out with his goofy imaginary friends. The Nasties decide to make awful things happen in Fantasia because they are bored but can't think of anything better than a storm of weird fireballs. I would've given everyone explosive diarrhea. See? THAT'S WHY I'M ON THE INTERNET AND THEY'RE IN A BAD MOVIE. Bastian has a moment of clarity and realizes what's going on. So he gets on his dragon/dog friend to fly to a place where he can leave Fantasia because it smells funny.

Then we cutaway to the rock monster from the last two movies, having returned with his child from the second movie and introducing his even more ridiculous wife. The rock monster now has an eastern European accent for no logical reason and sings "Born to Be Wild" in a production number riding a big rock motorcycle (and I die a little inside).

Bastian starts to come down from the LSD and he goes back to the real world but the more ridiculous characters from Fantasia (the rock monster's child, the dog/dragon, the gnomes, and the talking tree) have all been scattered around the real world and now he has to find them and take them back to Fantasia before he gets the book back from the Nasties (thus providing a plot for this insanity).

Bastian tracks the dragon/dog and the rock monster's kid to a massive party in Chinatown in a scene which passes so briefly it makes you wonder why they bothered to put it in. The Nasties show up and are hilariously impotent. WHAT GREAT VILLAINS!

Bastian attempts to hide the rock-child in his house (though just showing his family the giant baby rock monster would be much easier (especially since his father read the book in the second film and so should logically be totally on board with any crazy thing Bastian claims/brings home)). There are some INSANELY HILARIOUS scenes of trying to keep the baby rock monster hidden. INSANELY HILARIOUS.

Nicole (step-sister) steals the Auryn (a gaudy necklace which is able to grant wishes) from Bastian, presumably to sell for meth, but soon discovers it has the power to BEND OTHERS TO HER WILL MWAH HA HA HA HA. She will unfortunately only use these immense cosmic powers to go shopping. SO LAME. DAMN TEENAGE GIRLS AND THEIR LACK OF IMAGINATION.

Now the tree and the gnomes have arrived (the gnomes via Federal Express) and they all (minus the dog/dragon) go to the mall to stop Nicole from using the Auryn like a credit card. The Nasties show up to steal it and now we have the obligatory mall chase sequence (every movie needs one of those). The Nasties succeed and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Jack Black is crowned ruler of the world and the movie is over. IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

Alas, the movie continues.

Running away from the chaos of the mall (but what mall isn't full of chaos and havoc?), Bastian gets STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! Though apparently it doesn't even affect him.

Meanwhile the Nasties have sent CRAB MONSTERS to kill everyone still in Fantasia. GIANT CRAB MONSTERS.

But in the real world Bastian has discovered the Nasties' secret fortress behind the dumpster in the parking garage. Then everyone plays a little Auryn keep-away and Jack Black and Bastian have a rather cartoonish kung fu fight. Bastian wins and puts everything back the way it was (and makes the Nasties into nice young people). But tragically Barky the Talking Tree is drafted and killed in Vietnam.

So my least favorite part of this movie is that they made it at all. What the hell? WHY DO THEY DO THINGS LIKE THIS?!? More specifically I will need years of therapy to get over the dreaded "Born to Be Wild" sequence. Not exaggerating.

My favorite part was all the toilet humor. Seriously, there were several bodily function jokes in this FAMILY ADVENTURE MOVIE. A dog attempted to pee on the talking tree, the gnomes complained of the lack of a bathroom in the Federal Express box, the whole plot even started because Bastian asked the Nasties where the bathroom was!

In conclusion, this movie should never be watched by anyone ever. I know it's tempting to see Jack Black with one eyebrow, but it's not worth the horror that is this movie. This movie should be shown to suspected terrorists when the electrodes on the genitals don't get results.

Cavemen? SERIOUSLY?!?

It's the talk of the town: a Geico ad has become a sitcom. Some will make fun, some will buy into it, a lucky few will ignore it. How does something like this happen? Sitcoms are supposed to be about entertainment, COMMERCIALS ARE NOT ENTERTAINMENT. Commercials are trying to sell you something. Geico happens to subscribe to the idea that an entertaining commercial will more effectively market the product, but regardless Geico ads are about selling you car insurance, not about entertaining you.

What Hollywood dork had the PURE TESTICULAR FORTITUDE to shop this around? Here's how I see that meeting going:

Hollywood Dork: I HAVE THE NEXT BIG HIT SHOW FOR YOU GUYS! You know those Geico commercials?

Executive type: SECURITY!!!

That is the process. You have an idea, you get some people interested, you figure out some details, you get a production company behind it, you shop it around to various places that could decide to air it, somebody says go, you do a pilot, the pilot is tested and they decide to make a full show of it, you make the show, and it's finally on TV! THINGS LIKE CAVEMEN ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS PROCESS. THAT'S WHY THE PROCESS EXISTS.

Now let's not be too hasty: I admit, I quite like those commercials. They make me laugh. Most Geico ads do (though the Gecko and his ever-changing accent are getting quite old). But think of this: how many non-Caveman shows were passed over in favor of a sitcom based on a Geico commercial? Lots of pilots get passed on and those are lucky to have even made it to the pilot stage: how many potentially brilliant new shows will never have been created because Cavemen was firmly in ABC's Fall schedule?

It happens I'm writing this now because I had opportunity to actually WATCH this show thanks to FUCKING BASEBALL PREEMPTING ALL THE STUFF I USUALLY WATCH (I HATE SPORTS MAINLY BECAUSE THEY SCREW UP TELEVISION SCHEDULES). Fact is it's not the worst show on. It's not even the worst show I've watched (that would be Reba (I WAS REALLY BORED AND THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE ON)).

The actors in this show are the lucky ones in the equation. Whoever was responsible for this show, from the creators to the executives who greenlit it, will be haunted by it for the rest of their careers. "HEY! Didn't you do that Cavemen show?" will be the recurring theme in every dealing they have for the rest of their professional lives. The actors portraying the eponymous Cavemen, on the other hand, are under a ton of prosthetic makeup and will be able to pass for the most part without people putting two and two together. In no instance, however, even if only by the sheer novelty of a show this absurd it becomes a hit, will this be a boon to anyone's careers. Likely the original ads will fade away soon, and the show itself will probably not survive much longer after that. Even if they did no one would hire you because you worked on Cavemen. It's practically résumé kryptonite, even if it turns out to be ratings gold.

While ABC does not have a clean history with me (they cancelled Clerks: TAS and gave us the horrors of Desperate Housewives) my current lack of cable has driven me to watch more and more of their programming. On Tuesday there's Boston Legal, which I've been a fan of since last season (how could I not? WILLIAM SHATNER MOTHER FUCKERS); and on Wednesday there's the charming Pushing Daisies and Dirty Sexy Money (the only show I don't watch that night is Private Practice, because like its parent show Grey's Anatomy I have absolutely no interest in it (I've been meaning to see Bionic Woman on NBC in that timeslot but I'm already pretty into Criminal Minds on CBS despite the loss of the legendary Mandy Patinkin)). Were I not already watching Bones on FOX Tuesdays at 8 (which is odd since I hate David Boreanas and I'm not all that fond of Emily Deschanel though her sister Zooey is fantastic) I would tune into Carpoolers which follows Cavemen and was created by Kid in the Hall Bruce Mcculloch (and was pretty damn funny the one time I had a chance to watch it) and I would probably sit through Cavemen to get to it since there's not really anything else on at that time. But the world will be a marginally better place when we stop making shows like this to begin with.

In conclusion:

Come on! CAVEMEN?!? COME ON!!! SERIOUSLY!

Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC: Mirror'D!! Part Four

THE EXCITING BUT SHORT FOURTH PART!!!!

The last two pages of this are going to take a lot longer because THEY ARE FUCKING EPIC! I have a plan but I'm not sure how long it will take to implement.

Technically I was in Cub Scouts very briefly when I was little and that is probably why I think they're pseudo-religious puritanical yahoos.

Stray Thoughts

SODA POP REVIEW UPDATE!!

So, as I said last time after being dissatisfied with the Raspberry Hansen's Natural Soda (see blog 9-25), I have been on the lookout for a good raspberry soda. Last week when I went to the store the store brand sodas WERE ALL MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING! Okay, not all of them, just the 2-liters and there were actually one or two left. While I struggled to figure out what the hell I was going to do for drinks the next week (I STICK RIGIDLY TO MY SHOPPING LIST) I noticed a flavor I'd never seen before (it was easy to spot as it was one of two bottles of any flavor left on the shelves): RASPBERRY! THAT'S RIGHT! So I bought some and now I'm going to review it for you!

Sam's Choice (Walmart brand) Raspberry soda: The bottle is clear, I can already see the soda is semitransparent and a nice pinkish purple color, thanks to our old friend Red 40 (GO ARTIFICIAL COLORING!). I open the bottle and it smells just like Raspberry Jell-O. I pour it over some ice (even though it's already refrigerated) and I take a sip. IT IS DELICIOUS. No nasty aftertaste like the other stuff. Only Jones could make a better raspberry soda, and I hope they do someday, but until then if I hanker for raspberry soda I'm reaching for this stuff. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!

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Speaking of soda and Walmart: they didn't have any Strawberry Lime Jones Soda at the store today. This message is for my local Walmart where I do my grocery shopping: I WILL BLOW UP YOUR STORE IF I GO THERE AND YOU DON'T HAVE MY SODA AGAIN.

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Did you ever eat something that even while you were eating it you were thinking "This is going to make me violently ill." but you just KEEP ON EATING IT!

I have a lot of food in my freezer that I haven't been eating and earlier I was trying some stuff I'd just bought at the store and decided to throw in some old pizza rolls I've had in there for ages. When I took them out I happened to glance at the Best By date and it was May 17th 2007! DAMN THEM'S SOME OLD PIZZA ROLLS.

So I decided to eat them anyway and dumped a retarded amount of them in a bowl (it's a TWO POUND BAG AND THERE WERE SO DAMN MANY LEFT) and had to guess at how long to cook them. I ended up doing them for well over two minutes (the package says 55 seconds but that's for eight and not two kajillion) and later after I'd eaten about half of them I took them back for another 55 seconds.

They're pretty good, though. Maybe they had to age? Pizza rolls = fine wine?

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Sometimes I watch movies and if I'm feeling receptive I shut the film off and I'm a different person for a little while. It's a bizarre personality trait of mine.

Anyway, I happened to watch Fight Club for something like the fourth or fifth time (my brother absolutely LOVES this movie, I also quite like it) but it was 4 or 5 in the morning and I was already feeling a little insane and watching a movie about a slow mental breakdown is really not the best thing to do under these conditions. But it WILL get worse, because I just noticed there are FOUR AUDIO COMMENTARIES. I WILL LISTEN TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM BEFORE I'M DONE.

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Speaking of DVD audio commentaries, I hate those ones where they have like 18 people on the track but they cut back and forth between them instead of having two or three people in the room talking together. I always feel like I'm missing out on what such and such person thinks about such and such scene because while that scene is on some other dork is talking about how he met the director.

There is most definitely an art to audio commentaries and I think they are one of the new art forms for the twenty-first century. Those commentaries made in the twentieth century will be seen as pioneers of a brand new age. I actually made a list once of the new art forms for the twenty-first century and now I can't remember at all what they were. I think blogs and webcomics were on the list, though. I'M AN ARTIST DAMNIT.

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A while back I cleaned things out in my house and dug out the posters I had up when I lived back at my mom's house years ago (that makes it sound like I'm forty but it's only been a couple of years). Then I realized that I also had the posters that I'd had up in my room back when I was in middle school which were mostly inserts from old video game magazines (back when the Sega Saturn wasn't synonymous with failure and Nintendo refused to leave the world of cartridges behind). Several of the insert posters were actually for Saturn games because I was then and I remain a die-hard Sega fan. There was a Sonic R poster (which should have been a much better game than it was), a Super GT poster (actually that was an arcade game but it's still Sega), and for good measure a poster of Taki from Soul Blade (the Playstation port of the arcade game Soul Edge which was the game that came before Soul Calibur). But then I found what I think is an awesome collectable: the original poster that came with my Saturn. I had four or five of these little fold-up posters that came with the various Genesis consoles I'd had over the years (I won't explain why I had more than one). This Saturn poster though is great because it's from the golden age of Saturn games. It has the three characters from Virtua Cop 2, two characters from Fighting Vipers, a robot from Virtual On, two cars from Daytona USA, and Nights from NiGHTS into Dreams. I decided to hang it up because now if anyone happens to be in my room they will know I AM JUST THAT BIG A NERD.

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Now because I'm lazy and I want these nuggets of genius to be available for public viewing once again, here are some things from the early days of this blog:

I see things sometimes that seem to indicate that people sometimes do sexual things involving ears. That would be a scarring experience for anyone who went digging in one of my ears, those things are overflowing with earwax, and I don't know if you've ever smelled earwax, but it is by far the foulest odor of all bodily excretions. If you've ever had gas from eating cheese that was slightly bad, imagine that smell multiplied by a thousand and you'll come close to a really bad smelling earwax odor. You don't even have to sniff it, when the stuff touches open air the odor is all-purveying. If you ever wanted to make someone eat something really gross, earwax should top your list. And I have plenty to spare, so COME ON DOWN TO JOE'S DISCOUNT EARWAX WAREHOUSE WHERE WE'RE HAVING A HUGE SALE ON EARWAX OF ALL TYPES! CRUSTY, HARD-CAKED, DILUTED BY SHOWER-WATER, WIPED ON A PAPER TOWEL, WE'VE GOT THEM ALL! WE HAVE LOW OVERHEAD AND PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! REMEMBER, THAT'S JOE'S DISCOUNT EARWAX WAREHOUSE, ROUTE 6 IN UNION PARK! BE THERE!

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I got some great spam today. The title was:

RECTAL BURGLARY

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Did you ever have a sex dream and then wake up before you get to the sex? Because that just happened to me. I was so totally gonna get dream-laid and the alarm went off. Damnit, I was in like Flint! She looked like a girl I had a crush on in high school, too. I don't even think it was my subconscious mind's original plan to get me laid. I think it just popped that girl up and said "You know what? We deserve this. Go for it, buddy!".

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I just had a telemarketer hang up on ME. What the hell is that about?

PSYCHIC PETE PREDICTS THE FUTURE

GREETINGS FROM BEYOND THE UNKNOWN!

I am the fabled Psychic Pete, medium and master prognostician! I have been asked here by The Great Joe Bivins to make some startling predictions ABOUT THE FUTURE! I am quite able to do this because as I said before I am a MASTER PROGNOSTICIAN.

I will now make contact to the spirits of prognostication!! STAND BY!

we are the spirits of prognostication and we refuse to capitalize things when we type! these are our predictions for the future that is not now but is a time later than now!

our first prediction: eventually human beings will evolve a third gender! in that time there will be men, women and slimy squibbly things! they will be green, they will smell like cabbage, and they will have sex with anything that moves! their slime will have reproductive properties and their gestational period will be three days! the whole planet will be quickly overrun by slimy squibbly things until there is nothing left! this will happen!

our second prediction: the magic 8-ball will be replaced by a new toy known as the russian 8-ball. instead of just the usual answers, the russian 8-ball will occasionally answer questions posed to it with deadly nerve gas!

our third prediction: humanity will destroy itself in the latter half of the twenty-first century. virtually every bit of evidence of earth society will either be destroyed along with humanity or will slowly degrade in the centuries of inactivity on the earth following the cataclysm. aliens will eventually visit the planet but by this time the only remaining artifact they will find will be the television series m*a*s*h.

our fourth prediction: the movie waterworld will come true. down to the last detail. seriously.

our fifth prediction: monkeys will buy a country in africa and found a society by and for monkeys and monkeys alone. they will quickly become a major global power and will squeeze france out of the un security council (because france sucks). humans will be entirely banned from the new monkey nation and any human found within the boundaries of the country will be shot on sight.

our sixth prediction: nobody likes you. we asked around.

our seventh prediction: the aforementioned monkey nation will eventually build up a huge nuclear arsenal and the other members of the un security council will be unable to force them to disarm. the tension will build gradually until america finally attacks the monkey nation and a world war erupts. decades and billions of deaths later the war would finally end as all the monkeys in the monkey nation had died. tons of great movies will be made about this war.

our eighth prediction: you secretly watch reruns of will and grace and love it.

all of that stuff will happen! and you'll still be really surprised! that is all!

EXCELLENT PREDICTIONS! It's nice to know that in the future great movies will be continue to be made out of wars. IT MAKES WAR WORTH IT!

PSYCHIC PETE SIGNING OFF FROM BEYOND THE UNKNOWN!!!

A Very Short Story Highlighting My Very Short Attention Span

This is a story about a man named Bill. Say hello Bill!

"Hello Bill!" Bill said enthusiastically. Bill is not very bright and also doesn't realize how old and cliché that joke is. It is usually attributed to Burns and Allen, an American comedy duo from the early to mid-twentieth century, and is often cited as the traditional closing joke of their eponymous television series (Burns would say "Say Goodnight, Gracie" and Allen was alleged to have traditionally replied "Goodnight Gracie."), however according to my information this is a false memory and the joke was never used on that particular series, though a similar bit was used on Laugh-In. I have never seen either of those shows because they are both decades before my time and neither one has been in reruns at all during my lifetime. I consider this to be a great waste and I think that in a world where the average cable/satellite plan has thousands of available channels I think there should be at least a few that would cater to more obscure classic television.

Back to the story.

Bill has cancer. You are now sad for Bill because he has cancer. But Bill gave himself cancer on purpose because he wanted to be exposed to radiation because he heard it would give him superpowers. This is of course a misconception caused by the lazy attitude towards real science in science fiction themed comic books of the Silver Age. But I suppose inaccurate science fiction stories from the Silver Age are better than stories from the Golden Age wherein your favorite heroes fought highly racist portrayals of Nazis and Japanese. Although technically the Nazis aren't a race. And the portrayal of them wasn't particularly racist or offensive either. However the Japanese were very poorly represented in Golden Age comics.

What do you think they'll call Modern Age comics when they're no longer modern? Like decades down the line when comics are entirely digital and they are downloaded directly into computers built into your brain? Perhaps they will refer to this as the Plastic Age or the Styrofoam Age or the Linoleum Age. I love that little song at the beginning of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters. That was badass. The movie itself was a little disappointing mainly because Bruce Campbell's part wasn't big enough and the Hypnorims thing that ended up in the "Deleted Scenes" episode of the show was really a fun subplot and the finished film had not nearly enough Mooninites who are SO COOL THEY DESERVE THEIR OWN FILM OH CRAP I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING A STORY ABOUT BILL AREN'T I?!?

BACK TO THAT STORY!

Bill is dying (because of the cancer) but rather than wait for the cancer to kill him he wants to die for a good cause: he wants to have his head removed and attached to a gorilla's body, thus creating a two-headed half-gorilla half-man monstrosity. He assumes this will have scientific value and while it probably will it would be less ridiculous and more helpful if he just signed up to be an organ donor (which he is not (I can't remember if I am (I should be, what the hell do I need kidneys for being dead and all?))) My new keyboard has the backslash in a retarded place like they used to be in the dark ages of computering (it is next to the Right Shift and my Enter is L shaped as though that helps anything). I had to get a new keyboard because my old one went all fucked up and I couldn't type for like three days. It was all a trickle down effect from when I discovered that my computer creates some kind of interference which is the main thing wrecking my TV reception. I moved the antenna out into the other room but I still have to turn the computer off to get a signal from channel 2. The upside though is that I've been meaning to get a non-cordless mouse and keyboard for a while now because they're just too much of a pain to deal with and I don't have the cash to buy batteries all the time (not to mention the mouse was always dying on me anyway).

STORY NOT OVER!!!

Bill is quite wealthy (being an idiot it's only natural) and travels the world on a private jet looking for a gorilla with a body suitable for his head and a doctor crazy enough to do the operation. Lots and lots of doctors and lots of lots of gorillas later Bill was almost ready to give up on the whole crazy plan: not one gorilla body seemed adequate and not one doctor seemed adequately crazy. Finally Bill ended up back in the United States (where he lives (I should probably have established that as well as Bill's age, race, physical characteristics, favorite color, you get the idea)) where he'd been getting phone messages for months from a doctor with such a surplus of crazy that he was well over-qualified to perform the human-head-to-gorilla-body transplant. There were also some messages from a gorilla who was very excited at the chance to have a human head attached to his body. Because I haven't had a good digression for a bit, I will now tell a shorter story about a lizard called Fred. Fred is a fat little lizard who hangs out by my A/C unit outside. All the cool lizards think Fred is a total dick because he stands just a little too close when he talks to you. So they all got together and beat him to death with big rocks. They all had a marvelous time. It was great.

The crazy doctor (as mentioned earlier) is called Dr. Wang. He isn't Asian, but he loves penis so he had his name legally changed to match his predilections (for cocks!) and thus allow him to live a more fulfilling life. He considered having a series of auxiliary penises surgically attached to various points on his body but no one was willing to perform the surgery (because no one is quite as crazy as him). Seriously, this guy loves penis. Like, if penis was a color, it would definitely be his favorite. People would say "What's your favorite color?" and he'd say "Penis!". But penis is not a color. IF ONLY PENIS WAS A COLOR THE WORLD WOULD BE A MUCH BETTER PLACE. Actually, responding with an enthusiastic "Penis!" is appropriate for virtually any query. "Can you direct me to the railway station?" "Penis!" "Can I start you off with some drinks?" "Penis!" "What is that you're holding?" "Penis!" SEE IT ALWAYS WORKS!

STORY!

Doctor Wang (first name Dick (middle name Johnson)) was very excited for the opportunity to perform the most idiotic and pointless operation ever devised and decided to do it for free! Bill was pleased, because it allowed him to spend that money on having his clothes altered to fit a two headed gorilla. The operation was performed at it was a success! Bill's cancerous body was allowed to wither and die and his head lived on on the body of a gorilla next to the gorilla's own head. Bill was so happy he proposed marriage to Doctor Dick Johnson Wang and Dr. Wang agreed so long as Bill would allow him to attach a series of auxiliary penises to the gorilla body. They were married in a church and Dr. Wang wore a pretty white dress. The cake was shaped like a giant penis. The three of them, Bill, the gorilla, and Doctor Wang, lived happily ever after. Until they died. Then they didn't. Obviously, since they were dead they could not live happily ever after. Since no one lives forever it is fairly silly for anyone to claim that anyone lived happily ever after since ever after implies an indefinite life-span which no one has. But wouldn't that be cool? It so would.

Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC: Mirror'D!! Part Three

THE EXCITING THIRD PART OF THE EXCITINGEST STORY EVER!!!!


The idea of these evil twins is that every time someone accidentally misspells my name (with a new unique misspelling) a new evil version of myself is created bearing that name. All of these (besides John Denver) is an actual misspelling of my name that people have done in the past, Joe Bivens and Jo Bivins have the virtue of being the most common (people really have a difficult time with that two I's thing) whereas Job Devins is the most hilariously inaccurate.

I really can't remember why it occurred to me to make John Denver one of my evil twins. It is perhaps the most idiotic and random joke I've ever made. For the record I am fairly indifferent towards John Denver and his appearance here should be taken as neither an endorsement nor a condemnation of the late songsmith.

DOODLES!!! PART DEUX

HEY AGAIN! I'm back to continue talking about these stupid doodles! Here is the second and final EPIC page:

• 1. This is my attempt to draw Torando as a girl. I can't remember for the life of me why I wanted to draw Torando as a girl, but there is my attempt.
• 2. This is Carlos the Talking Squirrel, the antagonist in TWO DIFFERENT BOOKS I'M WRITING. At least he is at this point. I'm heavily rewriting one of them and I haven't gotten to the point where he is introduced in the other one. I don't know why I find myself always anthropomorphizing squirrels. SQUIRRELS ARE EVIL!
• 3. This is Santa Claus. It is a design for the next HAIC Christmas special. Santa will be attempting to take his revenge for my attack on his North Pole Toy Complex (as briefly alluded to here).
• 4. This is either Ted the Giant Red Ant's Mirror Universe Twin or Ted the Giant Red Ant from a post-apocalyptic future time. I have not decided yet. Though I do love post-apocalyptic future storylines. You know, like when Superman or somebody gets accidentally sent like 20 years in the future and because he was gone everything got all destroyed and everyone has eyepatches and robot arms. I LOVE THAT.
• 5. This is an evil version of the Robot. Notice the pointiness.
• 6. These are my attempts to freehand draw the USS Titmouse from the forthcoming eponymous series. The main reason it's forthcoming is that THE SPACESHIP IS HARD TO DRAW. I'm making headway in Bryce, but it's slow-going. Anyone good at 3D modeling?

OKAY THEN! I have been unable to focus on the blog this week but I plan on getting back to it next week.

DOODLES!!!

HEY THARR!

I was over at my Mom's the other day and I was bored so I grabbed some notebook paper and a pencil and drew some HAPY PIKTURS! This was mainly because I couldn't think of anything to do my next blog about (I ended up finding a better topic later) and I figured I could talk about my doodles!

Here's what I drew on the first piece of paper:

1,2,3,7: Designs for Torando!: The Motion Picture.

• 1. This is a mentally deficient cloud. He is stupid. He is uttering his HYLARIOUS catch phrase: "I'M WATER VAPOR!". I EXPECT I WILL WIN AN OSCAR THANKS TO HIGH CALIBER STUFF LIKE THAT!!!
• 2. This is the Sun. He will be nice to Torando in front of his face then talk smack about him behind his back. He is wearing trendy sunglasses here because he is too cool for school.
• 3. This is SATAN! It's the crappier version of him. Satan's role in the film is not well defined at this point but HE'LL BE THERE BABY!
• 7. This is also SATAN! He has much better horns and is generally more interesting than the first crappy version. I have not decided yet if I'm going to draw Satan or Photoshop a picture of my face to give me Satanic features then use that as Satan. I think if Torando pictured Satan it would be either me or Anonymous.

4. This is a freehand drawing of the robot from HAIC. I've never drawn him by hand but he came out looking pretty good. Originally HAIC was done in MSPaint and the Robot was drawn with MSPaint's polygon tool (which is always fun for making pointy figures.)

5. This is a freehand drawing of Ted the Giant Red Ant from HAIC. I have also never drawn him by hand and actually I usually just copy/paste his body and draw in his legs and antennae because I'm lazy. I drew him holding a beer, a cigar, and a martini, because I think I was thinking about M*A*S*H. (I watch too many M*A*S*H reruns.)

6. This is a freehand of Lieutenant Hawk done without any reference and that's why it looks so crappy. I suck at drawing people. The reason I favor Lieutenant Hawk as an expendable crewman goes back to an old inside joke between me and my brother. He finds it hilarious when in Star Trek: First Contact they have to go out onto the hull of the ship and Picard goes (as my brother puts it): "Okay, I'm going out onto the hull of the ship. It's very dangerous and someone will probably die. I'll take Worf and...LIEUTENANT HAWK!" (If you haven't seen it and can't guess, Hawk gets killed.) They don't have redshirts on TNG by the way. Red isn't the division color for security anymore, it's gold. And they don't get killed all that often.

8. This is a design for the far more complex version of Poorly Drawn Spaceman I'm planning. This guy would be a coworker or perhaps underling of PDS. He's some kind of freaky alien obviously, note the number of fingers and the longy flippery shape of them. Also note the one big eye. To a lesser extent note the lack of hair.

Well, there's a second page of these but I'll do those later on. So I guess that means... TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC: Mirror'D!! Part Two

EXCITING SECOND PART!!!


I want to get these out faster so I can make a Halloween special this year, since Halloween is the only holiday I actually like! Christmas blows.

Music Video: Free Fourteen

This has existed for a while and was up on a crappy sort of site (because I made it before YouTube was the standard) but now I've uploaded it a few more places and I'm posting it here in case you peoples never saw it (BECAUSE I WORKED HARD ON IT AND YOU SHOULD WATCH IT).