Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC'S Second Annual Christmas Special: Epilogue

CRYPTIC THINGS ABOUND!


A revelation: Santa's clones are legion! What does this mean for our heroes? Who are the mysterious shadowy cloaked figures apparently overseeing this bizarre clone farm? When will these questions be answered?

I DON'T KNOW.

Later I guess.

Christmas Webcomic Comments!

In honor of my own epic Christmas Special, today's special Christmas blog will comment on some of the other Christmas Webcomics available for viewing!

• Anomaly, December 19th, 2007

In this stunning sequel to last year's Anomaly Christmas Special, Santa provides some friendly holiday tips! They include buying stuff instead of stabbing people, warning of the maternal instinct to squeeze offspring back up the baby-chute, and a note of caution about gonorrhea (which is quite rightly noted as being good advice all year round)! This comic highlights the fact that behind Santa's rosy-cheeked demeanor lies the heart of a killer and a practitioner of unsafe sex!

• Dinosaur Comics, December 21st, 2007

T-Rex experiences some Doctor Who caliber time-slips in this Christmas Special from everyone's favorite comic about thunder lizards! He is running behind getting his Christmas shopping done but can't seem to get a jump on it because in the middle of every sentence he suddenly finds he's been catapulted one more day into the future (and thusly one day closer to Christmas (with one less day to shop!)) Luckily, he somehow manages to buy ex-lover Utahraptor a thoughtful gift anyway (though we never find out what it is, thanks to a timely time-skip!). The last panel then suggests a remix of "Layla" with "Smells Like Teen Spirit". I myself am not a fan of mashups, yet this hypothetical one INTRIGUES ME. TO SAY THE LEAST!

• Nerdcore: The Core Wars, December 22st, 2007

This parody of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol casts Zeke the Christmas Ghoul in the role of Ebenezer Scrooge and doubles as some much needed backstory on Zeke, who has become the chief villain in the overall Nerdcore story arc! The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come visit Zeke-enezer and are far less obnoxious than their Dickensian namesakes: Past merely compliments Zeke on his devious plans, Present appropriately enough gives Zeke a present, and Yet to Come defers his spiel to a Christmas yet to come!

• Subnormality, December 25th, 2007

Subnormality's entry into the Christmas Special fold presents us with a VERY DIFFERENT portrayal of Santa Claus! He's svelte, sophisticated, and has a hot wife! However, like everyone else, he still has to make reservations when going to fancy restaurants! And as I have always suspected, this comic confirms that Santa Claus skips all the poor kids' houses!

Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC'S Second Annual Christmas Special: Chapter Three

OH THE VIOLENCE AND SHOUTING!

I'm unhappy with this, partly because I don't think I got my menacing facial expression while taunting Santa Claus about his wife's infidelity quite right, partly because my poor spatial reasoning and lack of drawing skills prevented me from adequately rendering the image of Santa's headless corpse lying on a concrete floor with his blood spelling out MERRY CHRISTMAS!

IT WAS SO MUCH MORE EPIC IN MY HEAD, GUYS.

THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY THE END THOUGH! There's an epilogue yet to come. But because I'm lazy and I don't know when I'll be able to work on it over the next several days it may not be up until after Christmas. As it is an epilogue and Santa's dead anyway, I don't think it's a problem.

I don't think I mentioned it anywhere, but much of this comic will be ten times funnier if you've recently seen the classic Rankin-Bass stop-motion animated holiday special Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, as many elements of the Santa mythos in this comic are perversions of ideas from that special.

Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC'S Second Annual Christmas Special: Chapter Two

IT. WAS. AN. ELF. HEAD. PERIOD. OKAY. THEN.

Alas, poor Skippy. I knew him, Horatio.

I don't actually know anyone named Horatio.

That pink stuff all over everything is elf blood, by the way. Elves have pink blood...just like Klingons.

I went to Walmart the other day and in their movie section they had all the Star Trek movies but they had them IN THE WRONG ORDER. FUCKERS.

Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC'S Second Annual Christmas Special: Chapter One

DO NOT MURDER 'TIL CHRISTMAS!

I know the question everyone's going to be asking around the water cooler until the next part comes out: WHAT'S. IN. THE. PACKAGE. QUESTION MARK.

(That was supposed to be a parody of a recent Prison Break cliffhanger. I like that show but if they keep killing female characters it's going to become an insufferable sausage festival. As in "There's so much sausage and I won't suffer it any longer *click* That was the sound of me turning off the TV. *click* That was the sound of me turning it back on and switching to CBS 'cause I really like The Big Bang Theory and it's on right now!")

Stray Thoughts: SPECIAL GAYS AND MAGIC UNDERWEAR EDITION!!!!!

While I've got an extra second, here's a couple of quick stray thoughts:

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Wait: do horny gay guys watch the same late night TV that I do?

Every night I see these ads for a gay phone-dating line (called something like Cock Love Line I think) and the guys on it are uber-muscular and not one of them has sleeves on his shirt. Do gays do sleeves? Are sleeves against the queermo credo? Do sleeves interfere with pounding man-butt? Does packing fudge require a lack of sleeves?

Anyway I really can't figure out who these ads are for. Last I checked it wasn't supposed to be particularly hard for gays to find sex. If you believe the Republicans then gays are out every night having unprotected sex with multiple partners not necessarily human (but let's be serious: nobody really believes the Republicans.) I suppose sexually frustrated gays must watch the same shows I do...but how would the advertisers know that? Do they have surveys for this sort of thing?

Riiiing.

Hello?

Yes, hello sir, can I have a moment of your time for a brief phone survey?

Yeah, sure.

Okay sir! First may I ask you: are you a sexually frustrated gay man?

No.

Okay, thank you for your time!

That's been my experience with phone surveys. They call, then they ask one thing, I say no, SURVEY OVER! Periodically someone calls with a survey about movies but I don't have money to see movies in theaters so I never get to bitch to them about the poor quality of movies! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!

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I spent quite a while earlier reading Wikipedia articles about Mormons and why people hate them. Mainly I was looking for information on their magic underwear, which I eventually found, but not until I did some Googling (the search system on Wiki sites is so clunky). Anyway, that magic underwear is KEEERAAAAZEEEE!!! (But my main question was not answered: is it comfortable? (also: does it endow one with magical LDS powers? (in contrast to magical LSD powers (which would probably be significantly more awesome.))))

After reading these articles, my opinion of Mormons has not changed. My stance remains this, stated as concisely as possible: Mormons are crazy, but not significantly loonier than most other sincerely religious persons.

So there you have it, religious people: The Great Joe Bivins thinks you're nucking futs (which is secret code for fucking nuts (you fucking nutbags (but I don't hold it against you (you can't really help it)))).

Comic: HILARIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICKAL INTERNET COMIC'S Second Annual Christmas Special: Prologue

THE END OF CHRISTMAS AS WE KNOW IT HAS BEGUN!

I WILL HAVE TO BUST MY ASS THOROUGHLY TO FINISH THIS BEFORE CHRISTMAS! My schedule's been screwy.

Webcomic Comments

• Anomaly, December 3rd, 2007

This installment of Anomaly postulates that there may be a link between Star Trek and pedophilia. Somehow it is Star Trek that ends up looking bad here. This is a wacky comic logical miscarriage! Obviously the first guy who asks about pedophilia and Star Trek wouldn't expect the guy he's talking to to be a pedophile! HILARITY ENSUES!

I do think however we need to take some time to set the record straight here: Star Trek is in no way linked to pedophilia. No independent studies have ever been done which support these claims and any other evidence is purely of an anecdotal nature, i.e. "Hey I heard that guy what molested all them childrens thought Captain Kirk was fuckin' A awesome." You see? The person making this anecdotal claim is clearly a no-good meth-smoking hillbilly! I BET HE'S FROM INDIANA! OR NORWAY! (DAMN STINKING SMELLY NORWEGIANS!!!)

As a die-hard Star Trek fan, I think it is vital that we dispel these slanderous rumors before the reputation of Trek is forever tarnished. We must establish this once and for all: there is no link whatsoever between Star Trek and pedophilia. Harry Potter, yes; Star Trek, no.

• The Adventures of Dr. McNinja, November 26th, 2007

THIS PAGE OH MAN LOOK AT IT! I never make panel layouts like that. This is why my comics are inferior to this. Here are some things:

1: That there's a Lego table. YES.

2: There was quite a heated debate on the Dr. McNinja Forums as to whether whatever it was the Doctor was doing with that flask was scientifically sound. The main issue was apparently a disagreement as to what kind of flask it was and what sort of test the Doctor was doing with it. If he was trying to get an accurate measure of volume then holding it in the air would create a parallax distortion thus RUINING THE SCIENCE. Good old nerds: overanalyzing a minute detail in their favorite comic then arguing about it over the internet! I myself believe the flask was unrelated to the science: the Doctor was mixing himself up a drink, for Happy Hour was soon approaching! (If you are one of the several people who click the link in my signature at the McNinja forum bringing you here: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE NOW READ THAT STUPID JOKE TWICE!!!)

3: What's so weird about eating hair? HAIR IS DELICIOUS!

4: Ben Franklin II looks quite sinister in the second-to-last panel, there.

• Dinosaur Comics, December 4th, 2007

Seriously, Punchbot: WHAT. THE. HELL. INTERROBANG.

Interrobang is a great word and a great symbol.

• Subnormality, November 18th, 2007

THIS BEGINS THE EPIC SAGA OF THE LETTER OPENER!!! So far there's been two strips but I hope there's more coming, because let me tell you I AM HOOKED. I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. I MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! WILL SHE GET A LETTER OPENER? WILL SHE USE IT TO OPEN LETTERS? I MUST KNOW!!!

Stray Thoughs: SPECIAL FEMALE GENITALIA EDITION!!!

THE FOLLOWING STRAY THOUGHTS ARE ALL ABOUT VAGINAS. IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE THE WORD VAGINA THROWN AROUND LIKE IT'S GOING OUT OF STYLE, IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU SKIP THIS ONE OR MAYBE USE AN EDITING PROGRAM TO REPLACE THE WORD VAGINA WITH SOMETHING LESS UPSETTING TO YOU LIKE LOLLIPOP OR QUESADILLA.

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THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT THAT IS NOT ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGE!

TO PEOPLE WHO INSIST THEY DO NOT FIND SETH MACFARLANE FUNNY:

Here is a line from last week's American Dad:

"Listen to me brag about my vagina! This is like last week's PTA meeting all over again!"

THAT IS SOME TOP-NOTCH ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCT!! FOR SERIOUSLY THIS TIME!!

How can you claim to not love this Seth Macfarlane feller when this is the sort of hilarious thing his characters say? YOU ARE FOOLS! FOOLS I SAY!!!

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Speaking of vaginas, I watched The Big Lebowski again today and I can't understand why Julianne Moore does so many shitty movies. Those two thoughts may appear to be only tangentially connected (not to mention the ambiguity that sentence leaves as to how this thought is related to vaginas), but Julianne Moore is in The Big Lebowski and she's fantastic in it. That first sequence she's in has this great moment:

JULIANNE: "My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. (dramatic pause) Vagina."

She pauses for the EXACT RIGHT AMOUNT OF TIME before saying vagina. True, the greatness of the moment is mostly due to the fact that the dialogue is so expertly written, but performed by a lesser thespian it would lose much of its shiny goodness.

So I ask you, Miss Moore, why oh why do you do so many awful movies? DO US A FAVOR AND SELECT ROLES MORE CAREFULLY IN FUTURE!

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Speaking even more of vaginas, have you seen these commercials about sending tampons to Africa for charity? I understand the good intentions of this campaign but IS IT NOT THE MOST ABSURD THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD?!? Real life is so rarely this odd.

Are we going to have a telethon? A telethon for menstrual products? I don't quite understand why they would miss school for lack of tampons, either. I get the implications of it, but I would think that education would be too important to toss away because they don't want to menstruate all over the place. What did women do before tampons to deal with this problem? Aren't there lower tech solutions to this problem? And if this is a problem over there then why haven't they been taking the tampons over with the food and AIDS drugs?

The whole idea of it though, that girls getting their period in Africa sometimes have to miss school because they don't have protection, just reinforces what I've been saying for ages: THEMS VAGINAS IS HIGH MAINTENANCE!