And now...
AN OVERLY HARSH REVIEW OF THE NEW ALBUM FROM WEEZER!
CONTEXT: I used to be a huge Weezer fan (now I'm just huge (OH SNAP! BURN ON MY OBESITY!)), up until they released Make Believe, which was the musical equivalent of being kicked in the balls (or Phantom Menace...yeah, that's a better analogy, because Phantom Menace is already the filmic equivalent of a good solid punch in the nuts but also it parallels the sense of betrayal).
BUT! (Similarly to Phantom Menace, actually.) Rather than give up on the band completely, I decided I'd reserve final judgment until I heard their next release.
WELL FOLKS: THAT DAY HAS COME. THE RED ALBUM IS HERE. (As in it leaked onto the internet so I can listen to it a few days early.)
Going track-by-track:
1. Troublemaker: Ermm...not a strong start. Nope. It's not exactly the same kind of awful as heard on Make Believe but does display the amateurish songwriting chops that reinforce my theory that aliens at some point abducted (band leader) Rivers Cuomo and replaced him with someone with absolutely no musical talent. I just can't accept that the same person who wrote "Falling for You" later wrote "We Are All On Drugs".
2. The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn): This has similar lyrical issues and is quite ridiculous but somehow charming. Besides the spoken word segment in the middle, which is idiotic.
3. Pork & Beans: Ah! Now this is a song I can get behind! It's not Pinkerton or Blue Album quality but it's certainly a step in the right direction. It's kind of a revisit to "The Good Life", though Rivers has clumsily reprised the themes of that song half a dozen times since, this is definitely the top of that heap of crap. One major improvement I'm noticing on this record is that, while the songs themselves still have a very teenage (in a bad way) ethic, the attitude has a hint of cynicism as opposed to the whiny nonsense on Make Believe (not that Pinkerton wasn't whiny, but those songs also kicked ass).
4. Heart Songs: WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS CRAP?!? AAAH! IT'S LIKE I'M BEING RAPED IN THE EAR!
5. Everybody Get Dangerous: You know, if you got Fred Durst to sing this, no one would guess it wasn't a Limp Bizkit tune. My main issue with Rivers thinking he's a rapper (there's a vague rap style to this and some of the other songs on this album and on a few earlier tracks (most of which never got released)) is his habit of writing lyrics which neither rhyme nor adhere to any kind of meter. It is possible to write decent songs that fit those parameters but it's rare and clearly not Rivers' forte. Also: when did this guy forget how to write melodies? I can understand difficulties writing lyrics (it's an issue that as a songwriter myself I sometimes struggle with but I have the sense to throw away the crappy songs) but melodies are an innate sense. Did Rivers Cuomo have a massive head injury at some point?
ALSO: DARKWING DUCK! NOW THERE'S A THEME SONG I CAN GET BEHIND! LET'S GET DANGEROUS!
6. Dreamin': Note the apostrophe. There's a little breakdown at the very end of this song which would've been a fine song all by itself if not attached to this mediocre track about a young man with ADD. (Or who suffers from daylight hallucinations. It's open for interpretation.) As far as this record goes though this is almost good enough to be on Green Album or Maladroit (earlier mediocre offerings from the band that are pure gold compared to Make Believe).
7. Thought I Knew: Now this isn't exactly fair, because much of the rest of the album is songs sung (and written (or co-written)) by the other three Weezers, starting with this reworking of a song by Brian Bell's side project The Relationship. I have been a fan of Bell's earlier side project Space Twins for some time and their album is far superior to the last several Weezer offerings (though it is by no means perfect). So now if I don't like their offerings I can no longer solely blame Rivers for the downfall of the Weez (though they already deserve some blame for letting Rivers rape their collective musical legacies). But that's not an issue here since I quite like Bell's writing here. Standing beside Rivers' tracks it is clearly superior (though it doesn't have the bold-faced charm of "Pork & Beans", but in large part that song is helped by the fact that not only does it have a wacky title but it actually manages to USE THE SILLY TITLE in the song in a clever way, so double points there.) I need to look into The Relationship, I remember liking their songs that were on their Myspace but I forgot to ever see about their album. Also I need to get the most recent release from Ozma and the last two from Whirlwind Heat.
8. Cold Dark World: Bassist Scott Shriner (affectionately referred to as Shrinedog on occasion) co-wrote and provides lead vocals for this song, which is more in keeping with the Rivers-penned tracks (in that it is meh. MEH I SAY.) This seems a good point to highlight that even when the songs are poorly written, Weezer has consistently delivered top-notch performances (with the exception of Rivers' vocals, which even when he didn't suck were thin and struggled to maintain pitch). This song is an excellent example: if you disregard the lyrics there's some very interesting instrumentations and just generally rocking stuff going on, which goes for virtually all of this album and even Make Believe.
9. Automatic: Upon hearing drummer Patrick Wilson's voice on this song (his writing and lead vocal contribution), it occurred to me that I'd never actually heard him sing (besides harmonizing) before. I don't really have any other thoughts about this one, though it doesn't seem that sucky. Perhaps with further listens I will be able to divine its sucktitude or lack thereof. Again though: musically this one's solid.
10. The Angel and the One: Ack. Closing out the record (not counting the bonus tracks on the deluxe edition), Rivers proves he can suck as hard as ever with this track very much in the vein of the atrocious epics found on Make Believe. It still beats "Heart Songs", though. WHAT THE SHIT WAS WITH THAT CRAP?!? HELLO?!? CAN YOU HEAR ME RIVERS CUOMO?!? IS IT HARD TO HEAR ME WITH YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR OWN BUTT?!?
CONCLUSIONS: Well, honestly even though my expectations were low, they were secretly high and this totally failed to live up to them. On the other hand it seems like overall, with the contributions from the other Weezers and the reasonably alright "Pork & Beans", it's slightly less awful than Make Believe. So I suppose the Weezer is headed at least in the direction of not sucking, even if they are still a long way away of crossing the border into Notsucksylvania.
So, instead of dropping hard earned money for something this mediocre, why not shell out for the Presidents of the United States of America's recent release These Are The Good Times People, which I can assure you is KICK-ASS. ON MANY LEVELS. YES.
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