Halloweeny Blog!

Here's an interesting trend I'm having: I keep almost Twittering and then Blogging instead when I realize I have enough crap in my head to justify a whole blog post!

My Mom insisted on giving the little girls across the street candy today even though they weren't wearing costumes AND THAT'S ILLEGAL MOTHER I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE AUTHORITIES I THINK THE PENALTY IS PROBABLY DEATH. I demanded she explain how they were wearing costumes (because you don't actually have to wear a costume if you can bullshit a costume off the top of your head) and she said "They're dressed as Mexicans." and THAT'S RACIST MOTHER YOU ARE A DIRTY RACIST. AND YOUR PERM LOOKS RIDICULOUS I TOLD YOU YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PERMED YOUR HAIR IT IS TOO SHORT AND THIN. I ALSO TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY HALLOWEEN CANDY BECAUSE NO ONE TRICK OR TREATS IN CRAPPY NEIGHBORHOODS LIKE OURS THEY GO TO BIG RICH NEIGHBORHOODS 'CAUSE THEY HAVE GOOD CANDY. AND I WAS RIGHT WASN'T I? YES WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY EXCEPT THOSE TWO LITTLE GIRLS WHO WERE BOTH APPARENTLY HANNAH MONTANA WHICH MAKES NO SENSE ONE OF THEM SHOULD HAVE BEEN WEARING A GOATEE AND SHE WOULD BE HANNAH'S EVIL TWIN. MUCH BETTER.

I ated too much fast food and now I'm all gassy and stuffed UGGGHHHH. Oh the struggles to maintain my big fat ass YOU THIN PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT WITH YOUR HEALTHY EATING HABITS AND ABILITY TO GO UP STAIRS WITHOUT HYPERVENTILATING.

Actually I think the stair thing happens because I forget to breathe when I'm focused on something and I get vertigo on stairs (I also have crappy balance), which causes me to focus on keeping my feet from getting caught under the rims of the stairs (I can't remember when but I'm positive that's happened to me before and I do recall it sucking extra hard). It (forgetting to breathe) was first pointed out to be when I would be doing math tests and hold in breaths for a really long time then eventually exhale loudly. And no one realized I had a mental disorder until last year. Go figure.

Alaska Sucks

I'm casting my vote for Joe the Plumber getting his skull smashed in with a pipe wrench. I only hope I can fit that in the little blank next to "Write-in". And I hope Sarah Palin's igloo collapses and she is crushed and trapped for weeks living off body fat and melting ice until she finally is eaten by polar bears. That's right, I'm saying all people in Alaska live in igloos. By my reckoning it is now okay to make fun of people who live in Alaska, all because of Sarah Palin (and her 80% approval rating. (SERIOUSLY ALASKAN PEOPLE? I'D LIKE TO HEAR ONE GOOD REASON NOT TO DROP HER IN A VAT OF ACID. JUST ONE.)). As if Ted Stevens and his "tubes" and his corruption didn't make you look bad enough.

Look guys, I know how it is! I'm from Florida: we screwed up the election in 2000 (actually I was only 15 so it's not my fault, okay?). Everyone spent years making fun of us, and we didn't have Sarah Palin. Yes, we had Katherine Harris, but nobody tried to make her Vice President. (Though she did get into Congress. Again, not from my district, not my fault.)

And I think Sarah Palin is far more offensive than Harris, and I don't think that's out of turn. What I'm saying is, it's okay to make fun of people from Florida, because Florida sucks, but more importantly it is now okay to make fun of people from Alaska because this election has proven that you suck. In a few days we'll find out if you guys get to join the Election Ruiners Club. We meet on Thursdays. Bring cake. Free hat.

ATTN: In regards to Geocities sucking.

I passed a herd of political yard signs (migrating South for the winter presumably) today and I noticed for the first time that one of the local candidates has his website ON GEOCITIES! HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A DOMAIN NAME, IT'S GEOCITIES.COM/FPEREZ1776!!!

And now a totally sarcastic open letter from the Great Joe Bivins (i.e. me) to said candidate, Franklin Perez:

Mr. Perez:

You sir have clearly mastered the interwebz. If only all political-types could wield such technological expertise, could make such an effort to understand and be adept at new forms of communication. But no. Most "major party" candidates still communicate by rotary phone or telegraph (or in McCain's case, carrier pigeon). How can they hope to compete with the wealth of new young politically active voters when you've clearly got your finger on the pulse of internet culture?

Should you somehow lose your bid for the State House, I expect you'll be appointed Internet Czar by the new President, a post which will take full advantage of your MAD HAXXOR SKILLZ.

TEH SINCERLY,

The Great Joe Bivins

(UNTITLED WHINING)

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH BOREDOM.

I should take a nap or something.

Anyway, I thought I might give an update on what's going on with my new comic: NOT MUCH. I've been spending most of my free time recovering from what I do in my not free time (college) so I haven't been getting much done on anything. At this point I'm working on the Christmas special, which I hope to begin posting in December, and while I'm sure that sounds like plenty of time, it's really really not. I may set up a new site for the new comic soon and post some of the old HAIC's (possibly edited into a format resembling the new comics), but aside from the Christmas special I don't know when I'm going to be able to do regular updates, which is my goal. As for the blog I haven't been up to writing anything so GET OFF MY BACK DAMNIT. I don't mean to snap, imaginary person who reads my blog and actually expects regular updates, I know you don't really exist and therefore are not dissappointed when hilarity is not forthcoming. The other day I wrote a line of dialogue for a comic that I have no idea when or how I will eventually do it but I think it's hilarious LOOKIT: "You're so cute! I bet you fart sugarplums and sneeze kitten whiskers!" BAHAHAHA FUCK YOU I THINK THAT'S HYSTERICAL. THAT'S IT I'M DONE WRITING I HAVE NOW WRITTEN THE FUNNIEST THING EVER AND I'M DONE FOREVER BYEEE.

Comic Comment (just the one)

Gun Show October 10th, 2008

FUCK. YES. I'm a big fan of KC's stuff and particularly these three panel comics always deliver and THIS ONE HERE IS THE BEST YET. Because that's a classic comedic situation! Isn't that what all guys are thinking in that situation? About anal sex? Going in that back door? Climbing up the poop chute? Spelunking in the Colonic Caverns? ...I can't think of any more colorful euphemisms for anal sex. I should go, I think I may have just sharted.

UPDATE: I thought of another one: Snaking the chocolate drainpipe! Yep that's my favorite.

Chinese Stray Thoughts

So the other night I ended up tagging along with my mom and sister (and sister's boyfriend) to a Chinese Buffet place. Mainly it was because I needed a ride to the store and they spontaneously decided to go to a Chinese Buffet. This leaves me in an annoying position because I

1. hate Chinese food.

2. hate buffets.

Okay then! So I wasn't about to sit in the restaurant with nothing to eat for however long it took them to eat their food so I looked in vain for something to eat and ended up eating a plate of French Fries.

This one guy went over to the buffet and filled up his plate with crab legs. ALL OF THEM.

So finally everyone else finished eating and it's EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PART! FORTUNE COOKIES! Yep there's nothing I like better than a pithy saying printed on a tiny slip of paper crammed inside an inedible cookie! I opened up my individually wrapped bundle of wisdom-cracker and pulled out the fortune, leaving the cookie UNTOUCHED because as I said, the cookie sucks. Forsaking lucky numbers, I optimistically looked at my fortune and was greeted with this:

"SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT SEEK RECONCILIATION"

...WHAT?!?!? THAT'S NOT EVEN A COMPLETE SENTENCE!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!! THE FUTURE IS ONCE AGAIN UNCLEAR!!!

Stray Thoughts

My favorite arcade (even though I haven't been in there in years due to lack of funds) is a place over in Casselberry called Rocky's Replay. Nowadays I pass by it every other day on the bus (during my three-hour ride to Sanford which I could do in a car in half an hour) and I've noticed that somebody there changes the sign every few days to a different random slogan encouraging people to come in and cram tokens into slots. The other day the sign said this (copied verbatim):

TELL YOUR BOSS YOUR WITH A CLIENT

Now children, can YOU spot what's wrong with this sentence? Take you're time.

I passed it again on the way home and to my dismay, no one had corrected it.

So I have this to say to the person who changes the sign outside Rocky's:

YOU GET AN F! YOU FAIL AT SIGN GRAMMAR! YOU HAVE TO GO TO SIGN GRAMMAR SUMMER SCHOOL NOW!!!

---

So the sign thing was Wednesday, and now it's the following Monday and when I passed it on the bus the sign remained uncorrected.

MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE. YOU'RE HEAD WILL EXPLODE, TOO!

---

Yesterday was Wednesday, one full week since the outbreak of RockyGate 2008! And YOUR NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT!

STILL NO CHANGE! FUUUUUUUUCK.

---

Also on Wednesday, I wrote an in-class essay (you may have read about it on my Twitter) in Philosophy and I can't figure out if it made sense. I was really proud of it while I was writing it but that was mostly a style thing, which was never in question, I've always been good at stringing words together (I got to use the word daunting. Totally kick-ass.), but I'm not particularly good at supporting arguments with evidence and examples, especially when I'm rushed. I fear my logic may have been unclear. Also I didn't get to use this great joke I wrote! A big part of the essay was about social revolution and I wrote a great joke about how revolutions are often triggered by new technologies, like how the Agricultural Revolution was triggered by the invention of better farming methods, and the Industrial Revolution was triggered by the invention of new factory techniques, and the French Revolution was triggered by the invention of better ways to cut aristocratic heads off. BA HA HA HA HA!

YOU BETTER HAVE LAUGHED AT THAT YOU BASTARDS. I SWEAR I WILL COME THROUGH YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AND STRANGLE YOU!!!!