This is How I Spend My Time AKA My Neighbors Probably Thought There Was an Earthquake

Been practicing the bass guitar lately because I'm trying to get in a band, and bass is really my better instrument. Today for a change I plugged in my fuzz box, too, and one thing led to another and I spent an hour on this experiment, documented below:

QUESTION: Which songs by the White Stripes would be totally badass if played on a fuzz bass?

INTRODUCTION: I really like a band called Whirlwind Heat which is mainly a bass guitarist and drummer, though their singer also sometimes plays a MiniMOOG Rogue synthesizer. For the soundtrack to the abysmal Rob Schneider comedy The Hot Chick they performed a version of "You're Pretty Good Looking (For a Girl)", a song originally by the White Stripes (not coincidentally the two bands are from the same area and Jack White produced their first album). I consider this to be a proof of concept, that some White Stripes songs are totally badass when performed in this unconventional manner.

Further background, before I switched to guitar and before I heard of Whirlwind Heat, I was working on a version of "Seven Nation Army" (when that song was brand new) on the bass, a natural fit as Jack goes out of his way on this song to imitate a bass guitar sound on his guitar (which I would call CHEATING. CHEATER.)

Anyway when I started playing bass today I played "Seven Nation Army", with fuzz, for a lark, and halfway through stopped to run across the room and grab my slide so I could play the solo with slide AND fuzz. Unsurprisingly, this was awesome. Then, as is my custom, I started playing "Black Math", the next song on that album, and this, surprisingly, was also quite awesome.

Thusly I set out to prove ONCE AND FOR ALL, which White Stripes songs are awesome when played on a fuzz bass, FOR SCIENCE. Because we all know science is all about answering questions nobody asked or would ever ask.

THE RESULTS:


Awesome: You're Pretty Good Looking (For a Girl) (this is surmised based on Whirlwind Heat's version),  Hello Operator (would be better with harmonica accompaniment), Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground, I Can't Wait, Now Mary, Seven Nation Army, Blue Orchid (would probably be way more awesome if I had the POG effects box he uses on this song), Red Rain (played without slide, might be more awesome with), I'm Slowly Turning into You (again, would be better with the POG)

Insanely awesome: Sister Do You Know My Name?, Truth Doesn't Make a Noise (those two really surprised me but they were SO FUCKING AWESOME GUYS), Black Math, Hypnotize, Icky Thump (would be even better with the POG and maybe with a Bass Synth effect but holy shit was this one cool)

Not awesome, but could be with some more work: Wasting My Time, Fell in Love With a Girl

I didn't try these but I'm fairly certain they would be awesome: Cannon, When I Hear My Name, Little Bird, Apple Blossom, Offend in Every Way, I Think I Smell a Rat, I Can Learn, In the Cold Cold Night, The Hardest Button to Button, Denial Twist

If I thought there were any point I'd whip up some drum sequencer tracks and record versions of some of these. If I knew a drummer I'd start a freaking cover band.

Oh wait one more:

Honorable Mention: Astronomy Domine (This is a Pink Floyd song but I played some of it between songs and it would be totally awesome I assure you. Even better with a synth as well. Therefore Whirlwind Heat should cover this one. You have your orders. DO IT.)

Ramble about nothing for five hundred words or so? I think yes.

If we are ever travelling together never take me to Stonehenge because I'll just spend the entire time casually quoting lyrics from the song. Like so:

YOU: So how old is Stonehenge anyway?

ME: Well this guidebook here says they were built "in ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawning of history." It continues, referring to the Druids: "No one knows who they were or what they were doing, but their legacy remains hewed into the living rock of Stonehenge. [imitates drum fill] (sings) STONEHENGE! Where the demons dwell, where the banshees live and they do live well!"

YOU: (pretend you don't know me)

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That's right, bitches! I'm bringing back that old HTML classic: THE HORIZONTAL RULE! Next a stick man digging and a 3D rotating @ symbol! THIS A HIGH CLASS INTERNET SITE RIGHT HERE!

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Everybody last night was talking about Lost, which I have never seen ever. I almost want to watch it now that it's over, but it also seems kind of insane to watch the whole thing on DVD. Also I can't think when I'd have the time. Years from now when I'm old and settled maybe. (By old and settled I mean after I've given up on life and am a shut-in hiding behind stacks of newspapers with thirteen cats. Two or three years away at most.) Anyway everyone was excited about Lost but I was excited they finally did the Family Guy retelling of Empire Strikes Back, which would've been a lot funnier if they'd done it a couple of years ago when they said they were going to. As it is the funniest part was the Back to the Future II reference. TOO MUCH BUILDUP, FAMILY GUY. YOU KEPT ME WAITING TOO LONG.

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WHEEEE! HORIZONTAL LINES SEPARATING THINGS! I SHOULD EMBED A MIDI FILE THAT WOULD BE THE TOPS!

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I'm trying to find either a band to join or someone to join my band or even just one person to play music with. We're trying to use Craigslist for this, I remembered I used to use a site called Gigfinder but I went there the other day to find they'd made it completely useless. You used to be able to filter things based on location, now a lot of the ads don't even list the location. Nobody cares about this stuff.

I'm thinking I might like to be a bass player again, because I remember whenever I play it that I'm really good at it. The only thing stopping me is I like writing songs and singing, and I don't like singing while playing the bass. But it might be fun to just play bass for a while.

If I started playing as a duo I wouldn't want the second person to be another guitar player. I've got that angle covered I think, bring something different in like a keyboard or a mandolin or a cello or something cool like that. Just spitballing here. Chances of success: 0% Proof again that talent is useless without networking skills. Fuck this universe.

Oh wait I totally forgot some shit in that last post guys.

I AM A CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONAL except in that I'm totally not. I forgot maybe the two MOST IMPORTANT bonus images from VAFT, which are actually pages I deleted from the comic. When I first started working on this comic I had the notion that each issue would have a cover page and each would have a credits/cast page (like I've seen in some print comics). I made the credits page for this and the next two stories and I'll post them with the bonus images from each story. Here's the cover:




And here's the credits page, chock full of extra jokes! (If case any of you are supernerds like myself just know that nothing on these credits pages is in continuity anymore, since I changed my mind about a bunch of things after writing them.):

COMIC: Joe Bivins: Man Genius in "Vampires at Ford's Theatre"

In the Spring of 2008, I set about planning a new long form adventure comic version of Hilarious Autobiographickal Internet Comic, having already experimented with a heavier format for the last two HAIC's, Mirror'd and I'm Dreaming of a Red Christmas. The first story I wrote for this version, and the first comic script I ever wrote not in a comic strip format, was Vampires at Ford's Theatre.

Well, shit happens and I didn't get around to really properly starting the new version of HAIC, now called Joe Bivins: Man Genius, until December 2009 (after a false start in December 2008). So the first two stories ended up being the 2008 and 2009 Christmas specials. But finally, after two and a half months of getting those out, in Spring of 2010 I got around to VAFT.

So in Spring of 2008 I wrote a vampire story, then later that year the first Twilight movie came out and vampires now reside in a much more annoying place in popular culture. I took this into account and had to adjust my old script to involve more Twilight-esque vampires. For the record, I haven't seen either of those movies and only did a tiny bit of research, just enough to figure out that my sparkly vampires didn't make any sense in Twilight continuity, but screw it, it's still funny.

So this effects-heavy issue has an absolute SHIT TON of bonus pictures. We'll see if Photobucket will even HOLD them all: (Click to enlarge. Spoileros estan aqui.)

Satan's Evil Square presents "Comics I Gave Up On" Part the Second

 (NOTE: Click all images for full size, some with text annotations)

Today I want to tell you about the lost Stolen JPEG Theatre series, The Mysterious Doctor StrangeDuck. You may remember Stolen JPEG Theatre as the home of Norweigan Forest Cat in Space! and The Internet Avenger. Well one day, as often happens, I heard something on the news that was unintentionally ridiculously hilarious. This story about a duck who the universe is clearly out to get inspired a news anchor to say this bizarre sentence before cutting to a commercial break: "A Tallahassee duck may have found the key to immortality." That, I said to myself, HAS to be a comic. So I wrote a bunch of nonsense, gathered a bunch of pictures, wrote a bunch more nonsense, cobbled some of the pictures together, drew some nonsense, wrote some more nonsense, then lost interest. I did work on this one for quite a while but no decent ideas ever transpired. I almost incorporated my ideas for this comic into Project COOKIEPUSS but then that comic got all serious on me and I also decided it was getting a bit crowded with junk from other failed projects. Anyway, here are the scripts I wrote for the first and second episodes as well as a summary of the third episode (I don't know remember it starts with Episode IV, it might be because I thought the first story started in a weird place and didn't want to do any of the stuff that would have happened before it or maybe I was just making a Star Wars joke):

The Mysterious Doctor StrangeDuck: Born to ducks kept in the private zoo of England's foremost mystic and sorcerer, Doctor StrangeDuck has spent his life learning the ways of magic and studying the paranormal in all its forms, in a never-ending quest for ultimate power!

PART IV: The Duck That Would Not Die!

"A Tallahassee duck may have found the key to immortality." Finally catching up with Perky, the fabled duck that cannot die, Doctor StrangeDuck now listens intently at Perky's tale explaining her power of immortality, while secretly planning to steal the power for himself!

PERKY (caption): I was flying south for the winter when I stopped at a pond to get something to eat.

PERKY (caption): I noticed some of the animals around the pond had a strange glowing aura, and a trail of puddles of similarly glowing water was leading off into the woods.

PERKY (caption): Inquisitive sort of duck that I am, I followed the trail.

PERKY (caption): Soon I came upon a man-made fountain in a clearing, the water in it shining like a star. I dove into the fountain, drank the water, swam in it, flapped my wings about in glee.

PERKY (caption): Overtaken by a strange euphoria, I flew high up in the air, spinning and twirling like a stunt plane!

PERKY (caption): It was at this point I got shot.

PERKY (caption): I was unconscious for the next part, but I woke up in a refrigerator, seemingly mortally wounded but not dead. What's more, I felt no pain.

PERKY (caption): After what seemed like hours, a woman opened the refrigerator, and discovering that I lived, brought me here.

PERKY (caption): Seemingly out of danger, but no, a botched operation sent me to death's door again, but again I was spared.

PERKY: And that's the point where you came in.

DOCTOR (thought caption): OF COURSE! She must've stumbled on the Fountain of Youth, the fabled font of immortality whose legend drove my ancestor, the great explorer Juan Extraño de Pato, quacking mad!

DOCTOR (thought caption): He wasted his entire life searching for it, then whined about it on his deathbed until his wife finally strangled him out of frustration!

DOCTOR: Perky, do you think you could find this fountain again?

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

PART V: The Quack for Life Eternal!
Perky, the Duck that cannot die, is leading Doctor StrangeDuck, Mallard Master of the Mystic Arts, to the fabled Fountain of Youth, which she discovered quite by accident before gaining immortality from its waters! The good Doctor plans to partake as well, becoming immortal and vastly increasing his already formidable power!

PERKY: We're getting closer, Doctor!

DOCTOR (thought caption): Yes! This is where my ancestor, Juan Extraño de Pato, finally theorized the Fountain should be! ULTIMATE POWER WILL SOON BE MINE!

PERKY: Did you just say something about "Ultimate Power"?

DOCTOR: Ummm...just remembering an old song, you know the one:
        Ultimate Power tra la la!!
        Fish Bananas, Old Pajamas
        Mutton Beef and Trout!

PERKY: Never heard it, sounds strange!

DOCTOR: Well, they don't call me StrangeDuck for nothing!

PERKY: Well, here's the pond, the Fountain should be just around the bend.

DOCTOR (upon seeing the fountain): MAGNIFICENT!

The good Doctor dives straight into the Fountain, greedily drinking the water and swimming gleefully. Soon, though, he submerges and stays under for a distressingly long time!

PERKY: Doctor? Are you okay under there?

DOCTOR (emerging from beneath the water, suddenly mutated into a cartoonish duck-man): AAAAAAFFFFFFLAAAACCC!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

PART VI: Revenge is a Dish Best Served A L'Orange!
    Wherein Doctor StrangeDuck deals with his recent anthropomorphization and he and Perky part ways; the good Doctor setting off on a quest for veangeance against his nemesis (NAME NOT DECIDED)!

So initially the idea was that this was going to be a Stolen JPEG Theatre, which if you don't already know or were too lazy to click those links at the top, were comics made entirely of images lifted from Google Image Searches. These are kind of severely complicated to put together and I'm not really sure why I ever bothered with them. I did end up making some of the first episode in this style:









And though I didn't get around to the part that has him in it, I designed the Stolen JPEG version of the good Doctor:



At the end of writing the second episode, though I had the idea that Doctor Strangeduck would become an anthropomorphic duck instead of a proper duck. I set about designing this, and having some trouble initially I used one of those tutorials that teaches you how to draw Daffy Duck and altered this method to lead to this result:




Complete with photoshop magic stuff! At this point for some reason I decided I wouldn't want to draw it entirely on the computer and turned to my sketchbook, resulting in these sketches:









And that was that. The ideas dried up and I abandoned it, eventually moving on to Joe Bivins: Man Genius, which is going strong by the way. GOING STRONG.

Next time on Satan's Evil Square presents "Comics I Gave Up On", read the enthralling tale of a monkey with a loaded gun! Hard to imagine giving up on a project like that, isn't it?